Pat: The Magazine for Guys

First, we’ll explore some common conflicts that arise early on when even a mature and respectful pair decide to move in together, then I’ll have the pleasure of directly resolving issues of real PM readers. (That was a helpful and surprisingly brief introduction, which I have now made longer and thereby ruined with this pointless parenthetical statement.)

“You keep leaving the cap off the toothpaste.” Throw the cap out and squeeze the entire contents of the tube onto the soap-dish. Now you can quickly dunk your toothbrush into the pile to save time and not worry about the cap.

“You don’t put the toilet seat down.” Get out your wrench, un-bolt the base of the toilet from the floor and throw it in a dumpster. Now there’s a big hole in the bathroom floor which leads directly to the sewer. This will not only solve the always enjoyable up-or-down-seat dilemma, but also force you to use correct defecation posture like they do in Red China.

“It’s your turn to do the dishes.” Not if you order out every night. Post-meal cleanup will consist of throwing out brown paper bags, wiping pizza grease off your chin, and handing her chopsticks so she can use them for that cute chopsticks hairstyle.

“Can you vacuum/mop?” For tile floors in the kitchen or bathroom, simply pour out the entire contents of a three-quart bottle of bleach all over the surface, this will dissolve debris while disinfecting the bacteria formed by your girlfriend’s constant complaining. For carpeting, purchase a bag of termites from your local pet shop and spread them evenly across the area. If these bugs think wood is delicious, wait until they taste dust, lint, and goldfish cracker crumbs. They will finish feeding in a matter of minutes, after which you should dispose of them by first opening your freezer door until they turn to ice, then take the screen off a window and open it so they are sucked into outer space through the air-lock like in Alien.

“Who pays for what?” The guy pays for everything, duh. We need to get back to a simpler time when gender roles were more clearly defined. Old-fashioned chivalry will make the household run smooth and streamlined; the man pays all the bills and in return he gets control of the television remote so he can watch great programming, such as monster truck rallies, fishing shows, and ten-day golf tournaments. This way, your relationship will run parallel to that of sitcom couples, and who the fuck doesn’t love a show about some boring fucking couple arguing about what they’re going to watch on TV? Also, the woman is alloted a $5 per week allowance for puss-powder.

“How and when do we make time for sex?” Fire up the ol’ Windows ’95 and work together on a spreadsheet file that covers the next six months, cross-indexing all the various sex acts you enjoy with when and where they will take place. Once all of your orgasms are scheduled down to the minute and position in which they will occur, you will feel the joy and spontaneity of your lust dry up like toothpaste-spit in the bathroom sink. Now you can start cheating on each other.

“How important is compromise?” It is extremely important… THAT YOU DON’T. If one person is willing to make changes to what they want, or even give in on one issue in order to get their way on another, they are showing weakness and the flexibility of someone who doesn’t really care in the first place. Let’s say “Joe Husband” mows the front yard on Saturday morning and says he will do the back the following day, because he needs to get to bowling league. If “Jane Wife” agrees to this, next thing you know, he’s dumping buckets of herbicidal grass-killer all over the front lawn, lighting the backyard on fire, and going to bowling league seven nights a week. Now Jane’s at home with infant triplets, a mortgage she can’t pay (because there’s no money [and she doesn't know where he left the checkbook anyway]), and her giant vibrator, wondering where it all went wrong. Give ‘em an inch, they’ll take a mile of bowling leagues, I’ve seen it happen a million times.

Now, let’s take a look at a couple letters from fans (Pat Maggots) that I chose over the thousands I’ve received:

We have a picture of a nun with no eyes given to my husband for Christmas (it was pulled from a trash can in an alley) and he wants to hang it up on the wall. I find it frightening and turn it around so the nun is facing the wall every chance I get. Who wins? –Kaitlin

This depends on whether or not you care if demons violate your home and start knocking shit over/possessing your body. As you know, I was raised in an Irish Catholic household, yet there was a terrifying portrait of a rabbi at the bottom of the basement staircase. Already scary trips down there to retrieve some rusty saw/sparking power-drill for my father were made more foreboding by the sight of the painting, but guess what? It scared off supernatural beings (as far as I know.) The same principle applies to dressing up on Halloween to ward off evil; you’re either blending in or trumping them or some shit, either way, it works. So yes, the visage of Sister Mary Murdereyes may bother you, but while you sleep, she is watching over you. I mean, the house. You’re welcome.

Dear Pat Magazine, c/o Patrick Fishbait

Signed, Overburdened Evanstonian

First and foremost, it’s his choice to have a job, no one is forcing him to go to work. Especially in the year 2012, the very concept of being employed at all is just ridiculous. But the underlying and more complex issue is the way you’re contributing to the household by getting high and surfing the web. If he doesn’t take care of the domestic chores after his day-job, you will be left with a home empty of culture and bong resin. If your time is taken up with menial cleaning tasks, who will sift through all the hilarious new viral videos on youtube to figure out which ones should be enjoyed by the whole family? Who will “like” Facebook posts of memes of cats doing weird stuff that also somehow mock the remaining Republican presidential candidates? Who will watch all the episodes of E!’s “Fashion Police” backlogged on the DVR? Who will smoke all the pot that’s been piling up and getting dangerously close to the expiration date on the label? Remember, love is not a contest, but that being said, you win!

*”Dummies” was taken**

** By dipshits

Guides

Awesome New Places to Fuck

Fun Dating Ideas on the Cheap!

Your Sex Drive: Turgid Truths and Flaccid Fallacies

Places You Should Not Try to Pick Up Chicks

Places You SHOULD Try to Pick Up Chicks

More Places You Should Try to Pick Up Chicks!

While We’re on the Subject of Sex…

Chicks to Look Out For (Or: Stop Watching Her Ass, and Start Watching Your Own)

Teenaged Girl Sex

Chicks: What the Hell? A PM Reprisal

What Not to Name Your Penis

Faking the Male Orgasm

Home Remedies for Sexually Transmitted Diseases

The Top 5 Ways to Let a Girl Down Easy

Turning Great Break-Up Sex into Decent Revenge Sex

Alluring Means Screwering: A Primer on Babe-Proofing Your Pad

How to be an Internet Sex Predator

Cutting-edge New Techniques for Upgrading Your Game (Featuring Random Boldface Type)

Five Turn-Ons You Don’t Know About

So You’re Thinking About a Starter Marriage?

Awkward Opening Lines They Can Use on Next Season’s “The Pickup Artist”

Tips for Great Sex

How to Pick Up 12-Year-Old Chicks

Language

What Went Wrong?

What Went Wrong? Patrick Builds Obstacles of the Heart, Chris Overcomes them in a Triumph of the Human Spirit

Oh, I Fucked That One Up: How Not to Score at a Wedding

Five Chicks You Were Too Dumb to Get and Five Chicks You Won’t Get

She’s Just Not That Into You

Is It Time to Get a Divorce?

Quizzes

Are You Getting Laid This Friday Night?

How Sexy are You, Percentage-Wise?

Can You Go Down with a Bang?

For/By Women

Why Vibrators are Better than Men

Female Reader’s Response to “…Revenge Sex”

Confessions of a Psycho Girl: A Don’t-Do Guide to Gender Relations

The 7 Deadly Lies Women Tell Men

Your Worst Valentine’s Day

Point, Counter-Idea: 10 Signs He’s Not the One

Putting on a Poetry Clinic

Tips on Writing a Love Poem for That Someone Special

Love Poems in Action!

Non-Fiction

He Said/She Said or, When Harry Met Sally and Then Proceeded to Eat Her Ticket to I Heart Huckabees

Happy Fucking Valentine’s Day. Hurray. Let’s Reflect on My Year.

Scarlett the Train Slut: A True Story of Love and Loss

PM Wedding Coverage:

Blow-by-Blow Account of Kevin’s Wedding Reception

Complete Coverage of the Sean McSomething/April Oxland Wedding Extravaganza!

A Minute-by-Minute Account of A Drunk Groomsman at a Wedding I Went to Last Night

Lord of the Flies II: Bikini Island

The Scarlett Letter IV: Varsity Girls’ Tennis

You may also enjoy:
Unnecessary, Yet Inevitable Autobiographies
Disney Movies in the Far Future
The Back-Cover Synopses of Young Adult Fiction

1. Job Interview of Danger
2. Farm of Boredom
3. The Case of the Missing Period
4. Drama at Drama Club
5. Slumber Party Massacre
6. Final Jeopardy!
7. Waylaid at Walgreens
8. Groping in the Greenhouse
9. Truth or Dare or Kidnap
10. Trouble in Trigonometry
11. Blind Date of Awkwardness
12. The Case of Keystone Light
13. The Smell in the Old Man’s Shoe
14. The Flaming Flip-Flops
15. Carnage at the Campsite
16. Malnourished in Malaysia
17. Grand Theft Autoclave
18. Menace at the Manicurist
19. Silent Night, Deadly Night
20. Third Base Thievery
21. Shit-Storm in Chicago
22. The Report Card Forgery
23. Look Before You Larceny
24. The Clue in the Puke-Filled Toilet
25. Blood-Bath in the Ball-Pit
26. The Haunted Changing Room in Forever 21
27. The Borderline Fraudulent Résumé
28. Spin Class of Soreness
29. The Stolen E-Mail Password
30. Rendezvous with Torture
31. Ned Nickerson Thinks He Accidentally Deleted His iTunes
32. The Missing G-Spot
33. Escape from the S.A.T.s
34. The Vanishing Baggie of Weed
35. The Female Gym Teacher’s Secret
36. The Elusive Keys
37. Is That a Vampire?  No, It’s Not.
38. The Blouse of Bedlam
39. Raped at the Roller-Rink
40. The Ugly Scrabble Game
41. Lost in the Supermarket
42. The Hidden Tumor
43. The Worrisome Wall-Post (That actually sounds more like a post-modern Edward Gorey joke, am I right, guys?)
44. Deaths at the Day-Care
45. The Prime Time Crime Mime
46. Mystery of the Backwards Thong
47. Where the Fuck is Bess?
48. Saved by the Police
49. Saved by the Bell
50. California Dreams

If you’ve been with PM from the beginning, you are in your 30s now, probably married and maybe even have a child or two. Your sex life has gotten as stale as the handful of dry Raisin Bran you had for breakfast on your way to work. To bring some spice back into your intimate genitals time, you need to start experimenting with making things more violent and weird. Using alternative sexuality writer Jay Wiseman’s list as a guide, I’ve expanded and detailed to provide you with a fun and easy-to-follow black and blueprint.

People: Who will take part? YOU should definitely be there, otherwise you will not even be a participant. Whoever else shows up is just icing in the cake. If you’re a heterosexual man, you would most likely enjoy at least one woman getting involved. Megan Fox is a good choice, depending on her schedule. Usually, a 6′ 5″ male body-builder wearing a black leather mask is required, although no one knows why. Even non-living persons can add to the fun, for example, if you can win a life-size replica of Robby the Robot from “Lost in Space” on eBay, or find a giant, plush Santa Claus, you are destined for an unforgettable night. Immediate family members are strongly discouraged for a variety of reasons.

Roles: Who will be dominant? Who will be submissive? Much like calling “shotgun” to get front seat in a car ride, if you don’t like getting slapped in the face, you should yell “Top!” as soon as the ball-gag comes out. The roles for sex-play do not roll over to household chores, however. A separate set of negotiations should be worked out for assigning vacuum duty, taking out the garbage, etc.

Place: Where will the session occur? If you are a home-owner or rent an apartment, that’s a great location because you already have keys. Other kinky spots include your local car-wash, the Pope’s bedroom at the Vatican, and in one of those plastic play-houses they sell at Toys “R” Us (during store hours). Make sure your desired location is actually feasible; it’s unlikely you will be able to stage a scene on one of the moons of Jupiter or on an erupting volcano in burning hot lava.

Time: When will the session begin and how long will it last? Before 7AM is out of the question, if you factor in transportation, breakfast, showering, etc., you are looking at a 5:30 wake-up call, which will spoil the mood. As far as length of time, never engage in one continual violent sexual episode for longer than thirty days, because you run the risk of forgetting to pay the rent.

Oops: Both parties agree that any accidents, miscommunications, etc. will be handled in a constructive manner. If a glass of Tang is spilled, who will clean it up, and using what implements (paper towels vs. cloth, water vs. cleaning fluid, etc.)? Regardless of who’s at fault, everyone needs to agree to deal with accidents maturely, so work this out before the labia clamps are applied.

Limits: Mainly covers the submissive’s physical and emotional limits. Hinge joints such as elbows and knees are only meant to bend in one direction, no matter how horny you are. Emotional limits need to be identified as well; while a masochist may enjoy being verbally assaulted, they might reach a threshold of “bad” pain when Ke$ha songs or episodes of “Frasier” are thrown into the mix.

Sex: It’s crucial to agree clearly and specifically, before beginning the session, about exactly what kind of conventional sexual contact, if any, is mutually acceptable. Nobody likes an unexpected cock in the armpit, am I right? There are so many varieties and levels of sex that can be brought into a BDSM scenario, it’s possible you may even want to just hold hands while the masked muscle-man beats off in the corner.

Intoxicants: Don’t play if either of you is seriously drunk or stoned. Excessive drug/alcohol use can be problematic due to the increased chance of accidents, such as repeatedly dropping a lit cigarette on your lover while nodding out on heroin (unless they’re into that), suddenly vomiting on them from cheap keg beer (unless they’re into that), or accidentally whispering “I love you” while rolling (no one is into that).

Bondage: Who will be tied up? To what extent? Novices often forget to negotiate this ahead of time, and both of them wind up shackled to different ends of the room where they eventually starve to death. Don’t let that be you.

Pain: How does the submissive feel about receiving pain? Everyone enjoys being electrocuted, but how many volts is your current (pun alert!) partner comfortable with? Cutting and puncturing are a staple (pun alert from the pun police, you are under comedy arrest!) of pain-play, but do you want lemon juice squirted on the lacerations? Make sure everyone knows whether it is a Nerf or NFL regulation football getting shoved up your asshole.

Marks: Will it cause the submissive problems if the session leaves marks? Having your neck covered in bite-marks will probably not work to your benefit if you have a job interview the next morning (unless it’s at Arby’s). If the majority of your income is from ass-modeling, you may opt out of having a massive welt in the shape of Shaq’s hand on it.

Humiliation: This can include “verbal abuse,” forced exhibitionism, water sports, enemas, slapping the face, spitting, and scat games. Some good tone-intensifying insulting phrases to get you started: “You were a huge disappointment to your parents,” “You are barely qualified for your job, a promotion and its subsequent raise in salary are highly unlikely,” and “Your taste in music is juvenile at best.” Forced exhibitionism is best exemplified by the classic “pantsing,” or something new and radical, like pulling off your significant other’s shoe and throwing it down the sidewalk. “Water sports” include a warm and romantic golden shower, or a toilet-bowl swirlie, which–like pantsing–brings back the erotic thrill of getting beat up in junior high. Scat is a type of improvisational jazz singing using sounds instead of words, such as, “Boppity bop sha boo.” It is also when your lover takes a shit on your forehead.

Safewords: I recommend using at least two safe words: one for “lighten up” and one for “stop completely.” These are pre-determined words that one says to halt the proceedings in the event of a sudden crisis, such as if one participant begins aspirating Chex Mix. There are a lot of safewords that should never be used due to the sheer confusion they will create, here are some to avoid: “Harder,” “I have to sneeze,” “Is that my phone?” “I’m coming!” “Michael Myers is behind you with a knife!” “Ow, you’re hurting me!” or “Do you want to start the next season of ‘Lost’ after this?”

Opportunities: Is there anything either person has wanted to try? Did you miss out on a great chance to get choked out? Does someone want to dress up as a wolf dressed as a grandmother next time? Did one of you get so caught up in all the activities that you completely forgot to orgasm? Make notes for the next fuck-fest and post them on Facebook so you don’t forget.

Follow-up: What arrangements can be made for the two people to spend “straight time” together after the scene? Most likely, you will be hungry afterwards, so be proactive and reserve a table at IHOP, or if you’re penny-pinching, maybe you can get mom to make some spaghetti upstairs.

Anything else? Is there anything else to discuss or negotiate about before beginning? There isn’t, this step is extraneous.

1. Steal someone’s pension.  Someone rich, like a rapper.
2. Skyjack an airplane and use it to destroy the Empire State Building by flying intimidatingly close to another craft, causing it to swerve into Manhattan.
3. Send anonymous letters to the New York Times suggesting they rename the smoldering pile of steel and glass “The Empire Strikes Back Building.”
4. Fryjack a McDonald’s and demand they put a cherry in my chocolate shake, then cross this one off the list because they already do that, dog.
5. Friend every single person on Facebook, then systematically coerce all 800 million people into deleting me by either aggressively commenting political opinions in opposition to theirs, or failing that, calling them fags.
6. Acquire a third laptop computer so I can have one for porn, one for gaming, and one for my poetry.
7. Clean the blood out from behind the bathtub, off the walls, etc.
8. Film/star in my own “Puppetry of the Penis”-style shot-for-shot remake of the third Transformers movie.  Show it to people on the bus.
9. If it goes over budget, scrap the entire project and just show my regular penis to people on the bus.
10. Use my cellphone in Myopic Books, thereby completely breaking all convention and proving once again I am a maverick who plays by his own rules, consequences be damned.
11. Hit the game-winning home run in the World Series.
12. Use a Ouija board to summon the ghosts of the pit bulls that attacked the old man on the beach last week and ask them what they were thinking.
13. Grow a kidney stone so large, the doctor is obligated to write an article for the New England Journal of Medicine on the new phenomenon of “kidney boulders” and post a four-hour youtube video of me trying to pass it without surgery.
14. Practice forgiveness by emailing everyone in my contacts list with the subject line “I’LL MAKE YOU SORRY!!!”
15. Compile a list of small, easy-to-obtain goals and consolidate them into one large, difficult but life-changing mission, so it seems impossible to achieve.  This way, I’ll forget the whole thing and have more time for DESSERT!
16. Having already conquered the world of coast-to-coast highway hitchhiking, literally explore new waters by trying to thumb my way by boat down the mighty Mississippi.
17. Do a shot at every single bar in Chicago in one night.  The night–by my own definition–would include both pre and post midnight hours, so I’ll actually have plenty of time.
18. Fuck like twelve bitches at each bar (not sure whether this would be before or after downing the shot).
19. Read Incredible Hulk Visionaries: Peter David vols. VI-VIII where yet another transformation leaves Bruce Banner, the monstrous green Hulk, and the cunning gray Hulk all coexisting in one body.
20. Get a tattoo on my forearm of a scroll listing all my usernames/passwords (with a cool font).
21. Put a message in a bottle and break it over someone’s head at the grocery store.
22. Learn how to say, “go fuck yourself,” in every language used on the planet, including Pig Latin, Klingon, and sign language.
23. Rip up the carpet/tile/floorboards in my apartment and plant grass-seed.  Get back to nature, you know?
24. Solve a small-town murder thats turns out to be just the tip of the iceberg of a bigger mystery, eventually revealing a conspiracy going all the way to the top of the U.S. government.  Holy shit, bro.
25. Spend a day backpacking through my neighborhood.
26. Have a baby.
27. Become financially independent of myself.
28. Set my alarm clock for every hour so I don’t miss anything cool during the night.

Prone to inexplicable, lemming-like behavior, Americans love assembling en masse to do stupid things: getting genital warts on spring break in Cancun, vomiting cotton candy on the tilt-a-whirl, supporting/defending financial institutions/industries that negatively exploit them, etc. The worst is when everyone purposely plans to go shopping on the same fucking day for some goddamn reason. This is another example of the astronomical number of people who go out of their way to welcome annoyance and/or drama in their lives because the world is a pretty boring place otherwise. Spending the same day Christmas shopping as everyone else in the country is not only a way to be irritated for twelve consecutive hours, it also helps you to increase household debt, eat high-calorie, low-nutrition items at the food court, and maybe even get into a fender-bender backing out of the parking lot of Baby Gap. There are some great deals out there, but many of them are hidden from the public because of just how amazing they are. The PM investigative team (the entire cast of Twilight, a bus driver I kidnapped at the Western/Armitage stop, and myself) has discovered some great deals and we will now share them with you!

Claire’s Boutique Denim scrunchie (49¢), banana clips ($1.99 doz), 2-for-1 nipple piercing ($4.99).

Barnes and Noble The Dictionary: a Novel by Webster ($14.99), The Dictionary II: Thesaurus by Webster writing as Roget ($14.99), Porndle adult e-reader with wi-fi, 6″ display ($79.99).

GameStop Excitebike 2000 for Nintendo Wii ($19.99), Keeping Up With the Kardashians Extreme Shoe-Shopping Challenge for Nintendo Gameboy ($7.99), Super Mario and Leisure Suit Larry Ultimate Team-Up Commodore 64 ($9.99).

PetSmart Beefy knuckle bones ($6.99 32 oz bag), feline post-neutering balm ($2.99 4 oz tube), canine euthanasia drops ($12.99 1 qt).

Victoria’s Secret Sexy undergarment ($18.99), provocative cardigan sweater ($59.99), whorish knitted wool scarf ($14.99).

Best Buy Sony Walkman personal cassette player featuring auto-reverse and bass boost ($79), blank 3.5″ 1.44 MB floppy disks (49¢ gr), 6″x6″x6″ portable Toshiba microwave ($19.99).

Blockbuster Norbit starring Eddie Murphy DVD ($24.99), Maxell 120-min blank VHS tapes ($9.99 3pk), stock ($0 per share).

GNC Pro Performance Soy Protein 95 ($17.99 1 lb), ‘roids ($19.99 12 oz can), cyanide tablets ($9.99 doz).

T-Mobile Store Polyvinyl chloride Carly Foulkes 1″x1″ bellybutton replica ($199.99). Seriously though, why did the T-Mobile Girl get plastic surgery to transform her navel into the Target logo? What is the endgame? Take another look:

Yankee Candle Scented candle blow-out: “Movie Theater Butter” medium jar ($1.99), “Vanilla Ice” small tumbler ($2.99), “Post-Ejaculatory Musk” tea lights ($12.99 doz).

The Container Store Medium-sized cylindrical container (1.99), larger rectangular solid container w/lid ($3.99), pine infant coffin ($249.99).

Jo-Ann Fabrics Red fabric (79¢ sq ft), yellow yarn ($3.99-50 yd), female virgin human flesh ($500 sq in).

Lover’s Lane Sexy pink fluffy handcuffs ($9.99), Clit Destroyer 300 personal massage unit ($39.99), stainless steel dick traps ($9.99 doz).

Sports Authority Chicago Cubs adjustable-size cap w/Summer’s Eve Delicate Blossom cleansing wash 15 oz ($14.99), Chicago Cubs t-shirt w/Summer’s Eve Morning Paradise cleansing wash 9 oz ($19.99), Chicago Cubs XL hooded sweatshirt w/Midol Extended Relief 24 ct for when your pussy hurts ($24.99).

Bed Bath & Beyond Pillowcase with pretty flower print ($14.99 set of 2), soap that is better than other soap in several substantial and quantifiable ways ($14.99), fancy designer toothbrush holder ($9,999.99).

Home Depot Duct tape 60 yd ($3.99), Stanley 12 in hacksaw ($21.99), Pennington Fast Acting Lime ($14.99 30 lbs).

Von Maur No deals here, but one time, Jimmy Skullpuff, Lola, and I all ended up in the restroom there shitting at the same time (in different toilets). I think we were really hung over.

Target Infinite supply of assholes (free!).

1. My copious amounts of body hair disguised my human form and allowed me to blend in with a pack of wolves this morning, effectively saving my life.

2. See-through glass.

3. The police never expect you to open fire IN the station.

4. That Tyra Banks gets a qualified team of experts to help her evaluate and crown a new America’s Next Top Model every year, because otherwise, some ignorant hack would pick the victor out and we’d be stuck with some amateur scrub model who would drag fashion and modeling back to the dark ages of shitty fashion and even worse modeling.

5. I have never initiated a game of baggo.

6. $1.99 jugs of water from 7/11, which save me from having to overcome my fear of commitment and shell out $19.99 for a Brita filter.

7. Re-discovering “MST3K” so I can continue to not move forward with life.

8. The new Dollar Store carving knife I got, which uses “wobble technology.”

9. That I have bought more comic books in my thirties than I did in my teens, and none in my twenties. I don’t know if any of that is worth being thankful for, but I just typed it out nonetheless.

10. My admirable self-discipline, which allows me to look at porn if I can’t think of anything funny to say on Twitter, instead of just sitting there continuing to not think of anything funny to say on Twitter.

11. Not having bled to death immediately after shaving my face yet, which is not out of the realm of possibility given the speed of my beard’s growth, the lack of evolution in the world of razors, and the contempt I have for anything that takes time and/or careful precision.

12. The new Dollar Store cutting board I got, which is big enough to chop an entire half of a carrot on before you run out of room.

13. Finally realizing there’s really no need or occasion to wear any other type of pants besides jeans.

14. Shawn Bruiser showing me how to pretend to swipe the screen on my flip-phone from 2008 so the casual observer will think it’s a smart-phone or an iPad or something normal people have.

15. That my flip-phone from 2008 hasn’t broken yet, because I don’t think they still make the IBM Leviathan 1/4G.

16. The Bicycle pump I found in an alley, which gave me the idea to make an inflatable girlfriend by killing a regular girl and then pumping her full of air through the puncture I made above her belly-button with the corkscrew on my Swiss Army Knife.

17. My Swiss Army Knife.

18. They have a set of fifty markers at Target for $5.99 I can buy whenever I want.

19. There are still at least seven people who don’t have me on “hide” on Facebook (.com).

20. I still have two huge, blank pieces of watercolor paper from 1998. They’re damaged and completely unworkable, but I showed the world by keeping them around for the past thirteen years.

21. The simple method of browning ground beef in a pan; it makes you feel like you’re cooking, but without the higher risk of salmonella and e-coli you take when preparing chicken. Seriously, that’s like inviting a nuclear bomb to dinner.

22. My VCR still works so I can watch my tape of Big Trouble in Little China at any time.

22. If you’re unemployed, you don’t have to hear a bunch of fat cunts at work say “Turkey Day!” or “Gobble, gobble!”

23. The stereo I bought in 1999 is finally totally broken, but if I put a book under the back of the boom box we had in the bathroom in 2001 so that it leans forward at a sharp angle, it still plays. And it’s covered with ten-year-old toothpaste. So fuck you.

24. I will never have to invest in a video game console, because even if you follow all pedestrian traffic safety laws, walking around Chicago in broad daylight is still exactly like playing the game Frogger.

25. I lost the lovely green and blue plaid cover slip for my comforter four years ago, but I still have this old secondary comforter to put on top of the first one, and its color is piss yellow, which is almost as festive.

26. An endangered western lowland gorilla was just born at the Lincoln Park Zoo!

27. Oh my fucking God, Cutler broke his fucking thumb, there is nothing to be thankful for. This entire article has been a farce.

Previous Thanksgiving lists: 2009, 2008, 2006, 2005

On Killing Children With Halloween Candy

Halloween Monster Survival Guide

Costumes for Girls… Made Easy!

Scary Movie Picks ’05 Part 1

Scary Movie Picks ’05 Part 2

New Tales of Haunted Chicago

Ursula Bielski’s Haunted Tour Bus

Pagan Alcoholiday

The Hunt for Resurrection Mary

The 10 Ways to Summon a Ghost

What Does Your Skank-Ass Halloween Costume Say About You?

Bachelors’ Grove Haunted Cemetery

Scary Movie Picks ’06 Part 1

Scary Movie Picks ’06 Part 2

Hellishly Hot Halloween Costumes!

Scary Movie Picks ’08

Halloween Candy and Your Personality

Monster Survival Guide: Classic Edition

Scary Movie Picks ’09

The Sexiest Halloween Costumes Yet!

Scary as Fuck Campfire Tales and/or Urban Legends

Ultimate Tricks ‘n Treats!

Scary Movie Picks ’11

Dead Girl Heart-warming coming-of-age parable about some teenage boys who find a zombie girl tied up in a warehouse, so like any of us at that age, they ditch school and take turns fucking her.

Triangle A group of friends take refuge from a storm at sea in an abandoned yacht that turns out to not be abandoned. They are subsequently hunted down by a typical hooded killer who turns out to not be typical (although he is hooded). Same director as Severance, different unexpected third-act twist. I was like, “Oh shit dude.”

Splice Some scientists try to create life or a hybrid or something after they lose their funding because of a mishap with their living blob of flesh. The new creature becomes like their child and yeah. There was a taboo moment I was sure they wouldn’t do, although I was hoping, but then they totally went there. Thank you for being gross, movie.

Creep The girl from Run Lola Run must run again, but this time in a dark subway, where the footing and lighting is much trickier. And there is a creep.

[REC] 2 (Not to be confused with Quarantine 2.) Picks up where the first one ended, but adds and twists ideas to create a different concept without betraying the original. It’s always nice when filmmakers actually have creative imaginations and put forth effort.

Paranormal Activity 2 Like [REC] 2, this proves not all sequels have to just be tepid retreads, they can give you what was enjoyable about the first movie while still adding exciting new elements to the narrative and looking at things from a different perspective.

The Butterfly Effect 3: Revelations Sometimes you find a hidden gem in the pile of low-budget, straight-to-DVD crap. Sam (a different character than Ashton Kutcher from the original) is capable of time-travel, and abuses this ability over and over to try futilely to prevent the murder of his girlfriend years prior, progressively making things worse. Note: I have never seen The Butterfly Effect 2, and neither has anyone else. It’s probably not real.

Frozen It’s like Open Water but… on a ski lift. “Why don’t they just jump off?” you’re asking. Well, one of them fucking does, you’ll have to watch the movie to see what happens.

A Serbian Film Some foreign, subtitle-y guy past his prime is given one last shot at a big score in the world of porn acting, but his employers, the set, and his co-stars are all kind of shady. DO NOT WATCH THIS.

Insidious A ghost story that starts off small and slow but gets bigger and bigger until you’re covered in evil spirits and terror and your own urine and that of your loved ones.

Transylvania 6-5000 Ok, so I’m out of scary movies to recommend. Jeff Goldblum is in this and it’s from the 80s. I doubt the humor has held up, but I used to watch it all the time as a kid, probably because Gena Davis wears a really low-cut Vampira outfit and back then, she was considered pretty hot.

The Boy Who Cried Werewolf Still out of scary movie ideas over here. Watch this with the tweens in your life, or watch it by yourself because Victoria Justice is in it and your TV is already on.

More Horror Movie Recommendations to Watch This Halloween Season or Every Fucking Day Because Life Itself is a Living Nightmare: ’05 Part 1, ’05 Part 2, ’06 Part 1, ’06 Part 2, ’08, ’09

Dressing up in a fun or spooky costume is great, a candied apple in each hand is better, but my personal favorite October tradition is playing terrifying pranks on my friends and members of the community! Here are some brand-new ones I’ll be using in a couple weeks!

Mouse in the House! Did you know your local pet store probably sells vermin for household companionship? For under $20, you can purchase a domesticated brown rat (Rattus norvegicus) to hide in a gift-wrapped box (don’t forget to poke a few holes!) and have an unsuspecting pal open up as their All-Hollows’ Eve present. Eek! An even funnier variation on this surprise is to buy a set of 6-12 “pinkies” (hairless, newborn mice). These tiny little fuzzies are sold as reptile food, can’t open their eyes, and you can sneak them all, snug and squirming, into your buddy’s favorite coffee mug!

Carrie White Gatorade Bath! Hide in the bushes in the middle of a block on Halloween night, and watch all the houses to see which don’t answer when kids knock on the door. When you find one with nobody home, break in through the back and wait for the next group of little candy-fiends. When you hear the musical chorus of “Trick or treat,” drench them with a bucket of blood, while shouting, “Happy Halloween!” Oh, I forgot, you dump the blood on the second group of kids, the first group you hang upside-down over the bucket while you cut their throats with a bread knife from the kitchen. Maybe put a shower curtain down to catch any stray drips, you don’t want the family to be upset when they get back home.

Eye See You! Find a highway overpass. Underneath it will be a homeless man. Hand him half of a sandwich and while he eats it, jump on top of his chest and cave in his forehead with a hammer. Call an old high school girlfriend and put the phone up to his lips as he gasps his last gurgling breaths. Kiss a spoon you have given a name, and gently scoop one of his eyeballs out, being careful to sever the optic nerve without damaging the iris/pupil. Stick the bloody orb into a bowl of deviled eggs, drop it off at the church party, and wait for someone to take a bite. Appropriate one-lines for you to utilize include, but are not limited to: “Here’s lookin’ at you, kid!” “I’ve got my eye on you!” and “Cat got your tongue?”

Flaming Doggie Doo! That grouchy old man who lives all alone on your block will be expecting the same ol’ bag of burning poop on his doorstep when he hears the bell ring, so how can you surprise him? Leave the brown paper sack at home, but bring a glass of PM-brand apple cider (or should it be apple spider?), which consists of gasoline and a cinnamon stick. When the crabby old man opens up, toss it in his face, push him down, and light a match. When you hear/smell the bastard shit himself, drop the flame and watch the sparks fly. Next, stick your hand down his pants, retrieve the feces, and smear it all over his burning face, while yelling, “You are a flaming bag of dog shit!” Lol.

A Kiss Under the Mistletoes! Step 1: boil a baby. To make your own human skeleton, you have to get all the meat nice and tender so it slides right off the bone. Dip an old toothbrush in a mixture of half bleach, half water, and scrub scrub scrub dem bones, gotta get ‘em clean, nothing can ever be too clean in this dirty dirty world. So many germs, crawling all over you, digging in deep and trying to make you dirty too, just like the baby that won’t stop staring at you, judging you, although its eyes have long since popped and steamed. Don’t be afraid to lick in between the joints if the brush bristles won’t reach, your saliva is a natural solvent. Did you know the first step in digestion is when you begin chewing your food? Step 2: dry the bones by heating them on the smoldering embers of the old man’s charred corpse from the previous practical joke. Step 3: tie a string around the spine, and you’re ready to hold it over your head, run around the neighborhood, and ask for a kiss!

Say Die to Officer Friendly! Hide in the bathroom stall at Dunkin’ Donuts. Within about thirty seconds, a fat, blue piggy will squeeze in the door to piss taxpayer-funded coffee. Drown him in the toilet (see also: Hostel). Now you’ve got a one-stop, top-of-the-line costume, complete with accessories and party favors! Call the nearest elementary school and tell the principal you’re from the D.A.R.E. program, and you’d like to help guest-judge the first-grade costume contest! Handcuff yourself to the teacher and shoot as many little kids in the face as you can! Ha ha ha! Dead bodies littering the classroom floor like old homework papers on the last day of school!

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo Can’t read a book? Can’t watch a subtitled movie? Well, you probably won’t like this one either, but fret not, maybe they’ll make a half-hour cartoon version!

Contagion Some sort of global pandemic that doesn’t result in zombies or Randall Flagg? And I have to watch/listen to Matt Damon and Gwyneth Paltrow? I’ll stay home with my VHS copies of Outbreak, The Andromeda Strain, and Fatal Contact: Bird Flu in America. This looks about as intense as losing a contact lens for thirty seconds.

Dolphin Tale Unless Morgan Freeman kills the Dolphin with his bare hands, we’ve seen this before.

Real Steel Is Transformers to anarchic and unstructured for you? Not enough rules and regulations? Finally, there’s a movie with strict codes for robot fist-fights that may also involve a training montage.

Twilight: Breaking Dawn Rumor has it this installment in the popular cuddle-horror franchise will be given an unprecedented NC-17 rating, due to almost thirty minutes of hardcore sex scenes featuring full-frontal nudity of both stars, as well as graphic penetration and close-ups of bountiful ejaculation. The scene depicting the delivery of Bella’s baby includes realistic birthing footage, such as perineum tearing, bowel evacuation, and copious amounts of afterbirth.

Moneyball Get Him to the Greek, minus Russell Brand, plus Brad Pitt, plus… baseball. Actually, the only thing similar to Get Him to the Greek is Jonah Hill playing some in-over-his-head, awkward fat guy, but does it really matter? Baseball is boring enough in real-life, adding actors just makes it a cheaper, indoor nap.

Warrior This was lame the first time it came out, back when it was called Never Back Down. Save your money, stay home and watch Bloodsport, then write Jean-Claude Van Damme a thank-you note for all the great movies he’s given us over the years.

Abduction I wouldn’t even watch this if it was actual security-cam video of Taylor Lautner getting kidnapped/tortured/murdered for real.

Drive Car-chase scenes in movies became boring back when the Pole Position video game came out for Atari in 1982 and we could do all the high-speed sharp turns ourselves. Ryan Gooseling lays an egg in everything he’s in.

Footloose: The Shitty Remake Butt Fuck Shit Fuck Cunt Cunt Fuck Shit Fuck.

In Time Because Justin Timberlake is so great at singing, so hilarious in comedy, he must be captivating and thrilling in futuristic sci-fi, right? If you can’t get a ride to the cineplex*, wait for the next showing of Blade Runner on cable, turn the volume down, crank up *NSYNC’s No Strings Attached, then choke yourself to death with your own dirty sweatpants.

Anonymous Did William Shakespeare not write the classic works he is credited for? Who gives a fuck? That shit doesn’t hold up, if you don’t believe me, trying reading it. Any of it.

The Rum Diary Sorry Johnny Depp, you’ve betrayed my trust by starring in thirty-four consecutive awful Tim Burton remakes and twelve-hour pirate movies in a row, so I won’t take a chance on one that might actually be good. You’ve made your bed, now wear some distracting make-up in it.

Sleeping Beauty This has the girl from Sucker Punch naked, but the clips are already leaked online, so that saves you eighty-nine minutes of filler. (FYI, any site that has the footage will probably also have a caption using the hilarious pun, “Sleeping Booty.”)

The Three Musketeers The only way I would see this is if it were about the candy bar, and even then, there would be misgivings about why they didn’t produce a full-length feature on Peanut Butter Twix.

J. Edgar Leonardo DiCrappio, the Justin Timberlake of acting. And no, seeing him dressed in women’s lingerie** while chasing imaginary commies doesn’t sweeten the deal for me.

Puss in Boots Pixar makes porn now? That didn’t take long. I’ll pass.

Hugo Martin Scorsese made one good movie his entire career, it’s called After Hours. Wait, did he direct Taxi Driver? That one was alright.

Jack and Jill Adam Sandler and… ADAM SANDLER?! That’s right, he’s playing his own sister! That sounds so funny I feel like stealing a cop’s gun and shooting myself in the head on the el platform in front of a bunch of weekend shoppers from Naperville.

New Year’s Eve A rom-com battle royale featuring all of your least favorite stars. Perfect viewing before intentionally overdosing on angel dust while you plow a van into Times Square as the ball drops on good taste and decency.

Mission: Impossible–Ghost Protocol More like Ghost Proto-dull, righ? If you still want to pay money to see Tom Cruise wear fancy sunglasses and fuck a fast motorcycle as people shoot at him, or whatever these movies entail, knock yourself out. Preferably under water.

*Literary term for “movie theater”

**Is “women’s lingerie” redundant? Is there lingerie for men? Something to check out on my next Target run.