Pat: The Magazine for Guys

The following ladies were not eliminated when we ran the Maxim "Hot 100" through the PM Hardcore Journalism Filter, and I will now attempt to justify keeping them:

100. Lauren Storm Makes the cut solely on having a cool rhyming name that sounds kind of wrestle-y or superhero-y or porn-y.
99. Alison Brie

Cheesy last name, but she's on "Community," which is a show I watch by proxy of other people telling me what funny things happen on it, so I don't have to take thirty minutes out of my busy day of watching other shows.
94. Kelly Ripa If you wake up hungover on the floor of Best Buy at 9:46 AM on a weekday, you have to choose between either Regis and Kelly or Kathy Lee and Hoda.
92. Helena Mattsson A lot of these girls I've never heard of, so I have to find and scan a mini-interview in order to find one tidbit of information I can make my analysis from. Using this method, I discovered that Helena Mattsson enjoys baking chocolate cake. Exploring that data alone, I could find no reason to disqualify her.
90. Keeley Hazell Her Maxim bio says she's had her breasts cast in bronze, which is probably closer in temperature to the human body than her actual boobs.
88. Daniela Ruah From Wikipedia: "Daniela won the Portuguese Golden Globe in the category in 'Revelation of the Year.'" That--in my estimation--is the equivalent of five Best Actress awards.
87. Chelsea Handler She has a show where she makes fun of celebrities and has written three books. Then again, so has Ann Coulter, but Ann Coulter looks like a horse. Then again, Chelsea looks like a bulldog. But that's only because she drinks a lot of vodka. Ann drinks a lot of KKK semen. Chelsea wins.
86. Jessie James She is a country singer and I've never heard any of her songs. However, country music videos are the funniest thing to watch if you can't find a rerun of "Martin" or "The Nanny." For example, here is the video for "Giddy On Up" by Laura Bell Bundy, who isn't Jessie James but may as well be. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3xfFbB2CRo8
85. Kylie Bisutti Winner of the 2009 Victoria’s Secret Model Search. That doesn't mean shit to me, but her last name sounds like "biscotti," and who doesn't love one of those sweet, crunchy snacks with their morning coffee?
84. Anna Paquin If a woman gets engaged to a man and then announces she's bisexual, that's kind of like someone with lactose intolerance announcing they like the idea of milk. That analogy doesn't really make sense, but she played Rogue and is on some show where she can read vampire's minds during Mardi Gras or something.
82. Stacy Keibler Wouldn't it be cool if there was a show called "Dancing with the Scars," and it was about people trying to do the Cha Cha Slide while other people threw knives at them? I would watch that.
78. Emma Roberts A few years ago, I went to see the new Nancy Drew movie by myself, during the day, in a theater that was empty except for one group of tweens who were celebrating someone's birthday. That was probably the creepiest I've ever felt in my life, but the movie was pretty good. Nancy Drew is a good role model, showing girls that they should be out there solving crimes, not screaming "Some of us have hard lives!" at their mothers on the phone like the girl at Barnes and Noble yesterday, manslaughtering people with their car while applying cheap nail-polish, or getting pregnant so they can be on E! news for an extra 3 seconds.
77. Yvonne Strahovski Co-star of an awesome show on the Food Network called "Chuck," about this guy who sells ground beef at a deli. Highly recommended.
76. Kristin Cavallari Probably has smoked crack while tanning.
73. Zooey Deschanel Married the human nerd from Deathcab Bore Cutie, and only stars in "art-house" movies that are actually just minor-league romantic comedies, but she's still pretty cute.
72. Danneel Harris Oh my God, I'm never writing this article again. Who is this? How do you make a joke about someone who might not even exist? She looked good in the picture they had.
71. Dawn Olivieri Isn't this the bassist from Queens of the Stone Age?
69. Monica Keena Has not done anything since Freddy Vs. Jason in 2003. Seriously, did the editor of Maxim accidentally delete the Excel document with the girls who were really supposed to appear on this list?
68. Emmanuelle Chriqui Was in something once.
64. Camilla Bell Was also in something once, similar to the career of Emmanuelle Chriqui.
61. Naya Rivera Is one of the cheerios on "Glee," a show I technically like, even though I don't watch it unless I'm with a minimum of two of my sisters.
60. Grace Park Her name could just as easily be for a condominium complex or gated community, so it's like she's a Transformer.
58. Erin Andrews Is famous for having a stalker. Whatever he sees in her, we should all try to find in someone.
56. Ke$ha Gives people an opportunity to make fun of a singer when they're tired of making fun of Lady GaGa. Does not shy away from the controversial subject of health care reform.
55. Tricia Helfer Not familiar with her work, but I love battles, I love stars, and if I knew what a galactica was, chance are I'd be into it.
53. Laura Vandervoort Plays Supergirl on "Smallville," a show I've always felt guilty about not watching, and any girlfriend worth her weight in green Kryptonite knows how to make you feel guilty.
52. Kristen Bell I'm still waiting for them to bring back "Veronica Mars," which will be right after they bring back "Arrested Development," "Twin Peaks," and "I Love Lucy."
49. Emma Stone Kind of lisps, setting her apart from the rest of the conformist pack obsessed with perfect annunciation.
48. Emmy Rossum I have tried watching The Day After Tomorrow three times, and have yet to get all the way through. That means this actress has "staying power."
47. Sofia Vergara Made some joke on "The View" about being raped at thirteen.
42. Anna Faris Here's a line from Observe and Report: "Let me ask you something: How much did they get paid to storm Normandy? How much did King Arthur get paid to kill Merlin? How much did they get paid to invent Television? Nothing. They did it because they knew it was right." Anna Faris wasn't in that particular scene, but I know it's right to keep her on this list regardless.
41. Katie Cassidy

The new "Melrose Place" gets canceled but the new "90210" doesn't? That smells like a coin-toss, considering no one watches either show. Regardless, why is there no new "Charles In Charge?" Or is that going to be a Michael Bay-directed action movie staring Nicolas Cage?
39. Malin Akerman Can coast on being in Watchmen for a couple more years, then it's back to waiting tables at Bennigan's.
37. Joanna Krupa Still the most famous person to come out of my high school... for now.
36. Rachelle Leah A UFC "Octagon Girl." Octagons have eight sides, which means Rachelle goes eight ways, if you know what I mean.
34. Jessica Alba I estimate you have roughly 6 more months of being hot, make the most of them and lose the key to the safe containing your sex tape.
33. January Jones People are always telling me how great "Mad Men" is, and I usually respond, "I'll take your word for it," because I'm a smarmy prick.
31. Taylor Swift It's better to inspire young girls to learn to play guitar and write crappy songs then to not inspire them to write songs at all.
30. Hayden Panettiere Now that "Heroes" is canceled, we can look forward to her touring the country's lesser sports bars for dwarf-tossing.
29. Ashley Greene Has like three lines of dialogue per Twilight movie, but her IMDB page says she's in an upcoming film titled Butter. I didn't find out what the plot is, but if it inspires sequels called Jelly or Sour Cream I will buy the DVD box set regardless.
28. Kaley Cuoco Her resume includes being on a show.
26. Eliza Dushku Every show she's in gets canceled after one season, which is my dream job.
23. Arianny Celeste Another UFC "Octagon Girl." You know what they say about Octagon Girls, they have eight holes. Or maybe it's that they get their period eight times a month, I forget which.
21. Milla Jovovich Each Resident Evil is worse than the one before it, but this next one will be in 3D, and 3D has always been hot.
17. Leighton Meester Who doesn't love an actress who tries, and fails, to have a music career too? Miss Meester's video includes: rapping, humping the seat of a limo, humping a seat at the club, humping some drapes, humping her bed sheets, humping some dude in an elevator, too much lipstick, finger-licking (possibly because her ring is also an ice cube?), a hat, and several French words.
15. Amanda Bynes I know for a fact she was hot at one point. I haven't seen a picture of her since 2002, but I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt rather than risk a Google search and find out I am somehow wanted for questioning in her murder.
14. Scarlett Johansson I don't understand why the Black Widow didn't have a Russian accent, was that because Whiplash was already using one? Is she gonna have one in the Avengers movie? Is she even gonna be in the Avengers movie? Is the Scarlett Witch going to be in the Avengers movie and will she have a Transian accent, and if so, what will it sound like, since that is a fictional country?
13. Amber Heard Got turned into a zombie in Zombieland and got AIDS in The Informers, based on the book by Bret Easton Ellis. Oh, spoiler alerts by the way:)
12. Audrina Patridge A recent episode of "The Hills" found Spencer Pratt calling her "...the lamest fucking girl in this club." By looking at Spencer's wife, we can assume that his judgment is 180 degrees from reality, thereby making Audrina one of the least lame--if not un-lame-est outright--fucking girls in that club.
11. Eva Mendes Remember when you could sort of see her butt in Training Day? That was awesome.
8. Olivia Munn

She is all over the place, promoting her tiny, one-line cameos in random movies. Better her than an alligator, tornado, or Paris Hilton.
6. Rihanna Went a whole year without getting punched in the face or choked out by a dude, that's an accomplishment we should all strive for.
5. Megan Fox Just got kicked off Transformers 3, which is actually an opportunity in disguise, because it frees her up to do more serious films like Thundercats, The Smurfs, or Cabbage Patch Kids.
4. Blake Lively Every commercial for "Gossip Girl" looks more intense than the last, so I feel like actually watching the show would ruin it for me.
1. Katy Perry Her Proactiv anti-zit cream commercials are far and away the best out there.


Next: Replacing the babes that got cut with a more worthy selection of overlooked hotties

The time has come again for PM to thoroughly examine Maxim's entire list of "The Sexiest 100 Women Alive" and explain to you who needs to be cut, who actually belongs, and who should replace them on our new and improved roster. The 2010 list is completely wrong. The following babes do not belong on anything called "The definitive list of the world's most beautiful women," and now you will find out why.

98. Chanel You don't get to have only one name unless you're actually famous. Do you mean Chanel like the perfume, or Channel as in "I'm changing the channel because you're not that hot?"
97. iJustine iJust don't know who you are.
96. Lea Seydoux French girl starring in the new Robin Hood movie, which I am renaming "Robin Dud." I feel like most of us will be rooting for the sheriff of Nottingham on this one.
95. Kristin Gustafson Elected by reader votes as Maxim's 2009 "Hometown Hotties" winner. The problem is that no one has read Maxim in like 10 years, meaning she is probably a hologram.
93. Kara DioGuardi

Imagine all of the culture found on planet Earth as a giant toilet bowl. Do you see the big wad of used Charmin clogging it? That's "American Idol."
91. Amber Lancaster Another "Hometown Nottie." If you're relying on Internet votes for anything, you need to rethink your career choice.
89. Kelly Brook Was engaged to Billy Zane, so if you hook up with her, that's like dipping into Billy Zane's sloppy seconds, bro.
88. Daniela Ruah Is on a show called "NCIS: Los Angeles." That stands for "Nobody Cares It Sucks." Her co-stars are LL Cool J and Chris O'Donnell though, so it can't be all bad.
83. Danielle Panabaker Has appeared in remakes of Friday the 13th and The Crazies. How would you like it if someone remade you? I'll bet you'd be pissed.
81. Navi Rawat If you throw the letter "h" into her last name, you've got "Rawhat." Who the hell is thinking about whether their headwear has been fully cooked or not?
80. Maria Menounos Probably an illegal alien--which means she took our jobs--so there is an honest, hard-working American citizen out there who is being cheated out of her rightful place as host of "Access Hollywood."
79. Rebecca Mader Nothing against this "Lost," actress, but what if she's from the method school of acting and starts losing shit for real? That would get annoying.
75. Lily Allen She's a little more Woody than Lilly, if you catch my drift.
74. Natalie Morales All I could find out is that she's in the upcoming sequel to Wall Street, and I don't associate with people who've purposely worked with Shia LaButtface.
72. Danneel Harris I always thought the show "One Tree Hill" was a cartoon about U2, and you know what? It's not.
70. Odette Yustman Was in Cloverfield, which was made by someone shaking a camcorder near a TV playing the Matthew Broderick version of Godzilla.
67. AnnaLynne McCord Not only do I refuse to acknowledge the new "90210," I don't even believe the CW still exists on this plane of reality.
66. Peyton List Anyone named Peyton reminds me of Peyton Manning, and I don't want to be reminded of him, ever.
65. Christian Serratos Posed nude for a PETA ad, which probably means she has like eight dogs and her entire house smells like slobbery chew-toys and Alpo-crap.
63. Alessandra Ambrosio I just picture all the Victoria's Secret models as having fleas from trying on/swapping all that underwear together.
62. Lyndsy Fonseca Learn to spell your first name and we'll see you next year.
59. Lindsey Vonn Nobody skis anymore Lindsey, it's all about rollerblading now.
57. Gabrielle Union Has not appeared in any of the four Bring It On sequels, which I find a little snooty of her.
54. Britney Spears Please just die so we can all act sad and surprised, pretend that we haven't been mocking you for the last five years, and get on with our lives.
51. Moon Bloodgood I just realized I still haven't seen the new Terminator movie, (or Avatar for that matter) and I don't care, which means she should change her name to Moon Bloodbad, which would be hilarious.
50. Alice Eve Has an untreatable case of dude-face.
46. Rachel Bilson Her IMDB credits post-"O.C." include a movie called Nada and a TV series called "Zilch."
45. Julianne Hough The only thing I know her from is Proactiv zit cream commercials. The last time I checked, acne (and the two-faced concealment of) was not considered hot.
44. Stephanie Pratt The Cousin Oliver of "The Hills."
43. Jordana Brewster Appeared in two movies with Vin Diesel. Once bitten, twice die.
40. Dania Ramirez Could be related to Richard "The Night Stalker" Ramirez. There's no way of knowing.
38. Angelina Jolie She has a movie coming out called Salt. Couldn't you come up with a more exciting seasoning to name your film after? What about The Paprika People or Thyme-Travellers? I would take someone's kids to see Oregano Orangutan if it was in 3D.
35. Jennifer Love Hewitt Popularized the new "vajazzeling" trend, in which women glue fake jewels around their dermis-diamond. It's all fun and games until your boyfriend gets glitter stuck all over his knob, ruby scratches up and down his shaft, and an emerald jammed right up the pee-hole. Not a good time.
32. Jessica Biel Taking money to appear in the A-Team movie is akin to Judas taking that silver to get his pal nailed to a cross. You will be in the remake of the Bible, Jessica, and people will hate you.
27. Hilary Duff Enough is enough, Hilary Duff, take your muff and go do some other stuff.
25. Danica Patrick Attractive in the same way as Sarah Palin, in that I get a boner thinking about her burning to death in a car crash.
24. Nicole Scherzinger The last Pussycat Dolls album was so disappointing, especially considering how amazing the other ones were.
22. Mila Kunis You can only ride Meg Griffin's coattails for so long.
20. Olivia Wilde According to Wikipedia, she was part of an Abercrombie & Fitch ad campaign in 2004, which is a total sell-out move.
19. Bar Refaeli Apparently, she dodged the mandatory Israeli army draft, which is a pretty gutsy move. Too bad I put her in the "not hot" list before I actually looked up who she was.
18. Christina Aguilera At this point in her career, the only pictures I'm interested in seeing are her autopsy photos.
16. Selita Ebanks Lingerie models are just so stale, they need to freshen up the genre by getting some girls with a third arm or an eye-patch or something.
10. Marisa Miller

The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue is like a copy of Hustler where all the girls are wearing bras and panties. And hanging out at the beach.
9. Kim Kardashian I've never seen a yeast infection up close, but with three hours of make-up and a little luck, I bet it would look a lot like her.
7. Elisabetta Canalis "Famous" for being George Clooney's girlfriend. That's like being famous for being Matt Damon's car or Keanu Reeve's dog. Lame.
3. Zoe Saldana Eat something, please. Dirt, paper, your own hand, just get something in your stomach before you die. The human body needs fuel to survive.
2. Brooklyn Decker You sound like a sandwich.

Next: Who gets to stay, and why?

If police get an anonymous tip that one of your fillings are loose, they can French kiss you to check with their tongue.

If your mother suspects you haven't washed your hands before dinner, she can have the fire department check under your fingernails for dirt.

If you appear malnourished or fidgety, you waive the right not to have a full body cavity search for a heroin-filled balloon hidden in a secret area of your rectum.

Skateboarding is a crime.

Any joggers wearing headphones and appearing to have a good time can have their iPods searched on site for illegal INXS downloads.

If police suspect you of using the cheat code for "Contra," they can confiscate your Nintendo for up to 24 hours.

FBI can track status updates regarding what amazing meal you just had for dinner, and delete your Facebook account if the food in question doesn't fall under the federal "delicious" guidelines.

If you complained about the billion-dollar government bailouts of massive corporations, you are not allowed to complain about any sort of new federal regulations on those same massive corporations that would hopefully prevent that scenario from repeating.

If your company is responsible for an oil spill the size of Puerto Rico, you must pay a $50 fine.

If you are holding a grenade in a non-private residence, they can check to see if the pin is still in it. (I actually voted in favor of this one [from Illinois.])

If you are drinking any other brand of iced tea, they can beat your ass.

If someone thinks a heart-breaking is imminent, they may order you to stop in the name of love.

The "Get Out of Jail Free Card" will no longer be included in Monopoly board games manufactured after December 31, 2015.

If half of a ticket is sticking out of the ski-ball machine, you may use a needle-nose pliers to rip it out and trade it in for that hot pink twisty straw you've had your eye on in the glass display case at Chuck E. Cheese.

If you have a bumper-sticker or t-shirt that says something about freedom, you are legally obligated to comprehend the irony when you subsequently vote for a law that actually takes away your own freedom, which you see as a fair trade-off because of your hatred of people you think look Mexican (which you will then deny).

If you are caught using alter-boys as your personal hand-puppet collection, you can be relocated to a different church in a different town.

If you are an illegal immigrant from Ireland, England, or Poland, you're probably fine.

If you MUST see the remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street, please buy a ticket for the Brendan Fraser film, Furry Vengeance, then sneak into "Faux Freddy." That way, a low box office will tell Hollywood to stop with the remakes and instead focus on releasing new, original horror movies (and more children's features involving CGI animals and important environmental messages).

Instead of using Kleenex, blow your nose in your sleeve.

Cut down on Styrofoam usage by only buying two or three boom-boxes a month.

Eliminate your carbon footprint by wearing skis everywhere. Skis don't leave footprints.

Save electricity by replacing the lamps in your home with small, localized campfires.

Kill as many black rhinos and pandas as you can; only once they're extinct can they finally be removed from the endangered species list.

When finished using a condom, tie the base in a knot and throw it on the sidewalk outside of Taco Bell. That way, birds can use it for their nest.

Whenever you see a Hummer or SUV driver outside the mall, tell them to "fuck off."

For students who can't afford laptops, save trees while taking notes by writing on your arms and the back of the kid in front of you.

Did you know that bottled water is the same as tap water? Instead of buying new bottles of Evian, drink Gatorade.

Stop buying disposable tampons and instead, just rinse them off.

Open up previously protected land for oil drilling. Alternative sources of energy like solar and wind are finite, and we don't want to use them all up right away.

Stop talking so much, so your stupid words won't clog up humpback whales' ears.

Fertilize barren areas like parking lots and your neighbor's driveway by letting your dog poop on them so that beautiful foliage can grow and thrive.

Eat more SunChips, the only snack that comes in a 100% compostable bag. The bag, however, is really loud; when you touch it, it sounds like thunder. I'm not sure what "compostable" means, exactly, but my guess is either you can just throw it on the floor because it will decompose in seconds, or you can eat the bag too because there is still some flavor powder stuck to the inside.

Spruce up ugly landfills by decorating them with dolphin corpses, everyone loves dolphins.

To prevent nuclear reactor meltdowns, find out how to make a bomb and blow up the nearest plant. You may serve some jail time on this one, but Earth Day only comes once a year.

Ladies, going braless can slow the growing hole in the ozone layer by halting production of carcinogen-rich straps and cups.

Make fun of overzealous "environmental wackos" for trying to stop pollution of the air we breath, the water we drink, and the food we eat, because the worst that can happen is everyone gets cancer and dies.

Most importantly, fill your car up with gas every day and leave it running constantly (even when you're not driving), because global warming isn't real, it's just a bedtime story made up by the elite liberal socialist media because they want to... uh, so they can... uh, help the terrorists win.

What is the Tea Party? No one knows. It looks to me (someone who has completely ignored them) like they are Republicans who stage protests against taxes, even though the last Republican president spent a ton of their money and they thought that was cool. They are definitely fat and can't spell. They enjoy Sarah Palin even though she quit her job as governor, and if elected President, would probably quit that too. Who wouldn't want to hook up with such an exciting grassroots uprising? I suggest you join. However, if you're looking for something even more new and explosive, why not give one of these a shot?

The Pea Party: A political movement started by those who feel these little green pellets are the best legume in all of nature. High in complex carbohydrates, they are fun to snack on in-the-pod, steam or boil for a side-dish, or even purée for a delicious ham-aided soup.

The Wii Party Formed by fans of the popular video game console, the Wii-ers believe that old-school game controllers are an archaic notion, and love the more interactive, whole-body experience that the new system delivers.

The Sea Party These ocean enthusiasts will not rest until the nation returns to its roots of sailing, anchor tattoos, and watching "Shark Week" every year. They also don't like taxes.

The Knee Party Proponents of the multi-use hinge joint linking the femur to the tibia/fibula. They understand that without two functioning patellas, it is extremely hard to achieve any of the following: walking, running, or jumping. Vaguely racist.

The Flee Party For people who like running away. They too, are huge Sarah Palin fans.

The Brie Party Supporters of any and all cheese-and-cracker-related snacks, including mini-sausages, crab-cakes, and other foods that can fall under the hors d'oeuvres umbrella. They are against "big government," whatever the fuck that even means.

The Ski Party The main focus of this faction is to provide every hill in the U.S. with either a chair-lift or a tow-rope, depending on the size of the incline. They want public funding for poles, snowboards, and spandex bodysuits. You can slalom or cross-country, but remember, marriage is a sacred institution to unite a man and a woman.

The Tee Party Believing that the structure of our great nation rests on tiny spikes you stick in the ground to balance a golf or football on, the TeePees have already nominated journeyman NFL placekicker Martin Gramatica as their 2012 Presidential candidate.

The Bee Party Advocates for more influence in congress by yellow and black insects that sting people during the summertime. They would also like to rename the atom with the word "socialism," since atoms are the building blocks of matter, and apparently, everything in the world is now socialism.

The Pee Party Possibly the most pissed-off of all the new political movements, the PP-Heads are looking to mark their territory in a big way this November.

The Smarty Party This is when you throw a party but no one shows up. Then, around 11:30, your only friend walks in with a case of beer, looks around, and says, "Nice party, smarty."

The Farty Party Everyone passes gas, but these activists are refusing to acknowledge their collective lactose intolerance, and are constantly fighting opponents of going to Taco Bell after drinking for like nine hours straight. Are currently lobbying the FDA to outlaw Immodium AD, Gas-X, and Pepto-Bismol.

The Party Party Zealots for a more rockin' and night-club-based economy. Their rallies usually involve a huge bar tab, several fist-fights, and a lot of girls texting, crying, and calling each other fat. Would re-structure the federal budget to make more room for cocaine and Zima.

The Tardy Party For true patriots who are sick and tired of the mainstream media filtering news to make everyone on time. Are pushing for right-to-carry-and-shoot-firearms-indiscriminately.

The Marty Party Using the Back to the Future trilogy as their personal constitution, the McFly Bloc are doing everything in their power to put Michael J Fox in a senate seat. They will not rest until NASA successfully builds a safe and affordable time-traveling DeLorean so they can thwart Biff's nefarious plans and ensure that Lea Thompson marries Crispin Glover. That's the power of love.

Pat Magazine: Welcome to another PM political round-table discussion. We are gathered today at the Burger King on Western and Diversey, where they have been good enough to give us all samples of the new Cilantro Lime Fish Sandwich. Today's topic is the explosive new health care underhaul currently shaking the country to its very foundation--if not even further down below the foundation, through the bedrock, and all the way to the Earth's golden-brown, buttery crust. Democrats like this bill because they think it will help Americans afford their medical bills, Republicans don't like it because... well, I'm not sure exactly. Something about taxes and liberty and Armageddon. Of course, there are always three sides to every story, but the mainstream media only has the time, money, and resources to report the first two, which leaves most people in the dark, but with a flashlight. You see, if you have a flashlight, you think it's alright because you can still find the toilet and the fridge and even your contacts case, but trust me, there is plenty you're not seeing, like the nail sticking up through the floorboards that you're about to step on. How's that for a well-crafted metaphor? Not that great actually, and kind of out of context. Let's introduce our participants in this inflammatory and itchy verbal intercourse. First of all, we have up-and-dumbing pop sensation, Ke$ha.

Ke$ha: Now the party don't start 'til I walk in!

Pat Magazine: Next, contributing journalist for truthdig.com, and author of American Fascists: The Christian Right and the War on America, Chris Hedges.

Chris Hedges: The claims made by the proponents of the bill are the usual deceptive corporate advertising. The bill will not expand coverage to 30 million uninsured, especially since government subsidies will not take effect until 2014. Families who cannot pay the high premiums, deductibles and co-payments, estimated to be between 15 and 18 percent of most family incomes, will have to default, increasing the number of uninsured. Insurance companies can unilaterally raise prices without ceilings or caps and monopolize local markets to shut out competitors. The $1.055 trillion spent over the next decade will add new layers of bureaucratic red tape to what is an unmanageable and ultimately unsustainable system.

Pat Magazine: Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy there, Chris. You have to wait for me to ask a question or I will kick you right the fuck off this panel. Our third guest has been in the news a lot lately, please welcome the penis of golf champion Tiger Woods.

Tiger Woods's Cock: Great to be here, Patrick!

Pat Magazine: And finally, it's my pleasure to introduce every single Conservative you will ever talk to.

Every Single Conservative You Will Ever Talk To: Barack Obama is an illegal immigrant from Mexico, he should be deported.

Pat Magazine: My first question is for Ke$ha. What is your medical history, and are you currently insured?

Ke$ha: Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy. Grab my glasses, I'm out the door, I'm gonna hit this city.

Pat Magazine: Sure, you're young now, you have your health, but have you thought about the future?

Ke$ha: Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack, 'cause when I leave for the night I ain't comin' back.

Pat Magazine: Exactly, you will probably develop cirrhosis or kidney or stomach trouble in a few years, and your insurance company will deny you coverage because being born with a liver is a pre-existing condition, and there are loopholes in this bill that can be exploited in that regard.

Chris Hedges: The 45,000 Americans who die each year because they cannot afford coverage will not be saved under the federal legislation. Half of all personal bankruptcies will still be caused by an inability to pay astronomical medical bills. The only good news is that health care stocks and bonuses for the heads of these corporations are shooting upward. Chalk this up as yet another victory for our feudal overlords and a defeat for the serfs.

Every Single Conservative You Will Ever Talk To: Every citizen who doesn't pay for this terrifying Obamacare will go to jail for life! INCLUDING WHITES!

Tiger Woods's Cock: But I thought this was going to give people free health care or something, isn't this a victory against the insurance companies that have constantly screwed over “the little guy” who pays for the insurance every month only to get told to go fuck themselves once they actually get sick?

Chris Hedges: The bill is about increasing corporate profit at taxpayer expense. It is the health care industry’s version of the Wall Street bailout. It lavishes hundreds of billions in government subsidies on insurance and drug companies. The bill is another example of why change will never come from within the Democratic Party. The party is owned and managed by corporations. The longer we tie ourselves to the Democrats the more ridiculous and impotent we appear.

Pat Magazine: Before they finally voted on the bill, Republican pressure on the Democrats—who have control of congress and the Presidency—forced Obama to take out a bunch of stuff, including the public option, which was what the whole argument was about in the first place, so I don't know why they even bothered to continue the charade. Why put maintaining the status quo to a vote? The public option would've given everyone the chance to buy supposedly affordable health insurance from the government. Republicans were against this because they said it would increase taxes, even though they don't pay taxes anyway. That would've been slightly better than what we got, but it's still bullshit because most of the other cool industrialized nations in the world have free universal health care for all, and if we're the greatest country on earth--like I'm always telling my heroin dealer--we should have that. Your thoughts, Ke$ha?

Ke$ha: I'm talking pedicure on our toes, toes. Tryin' on all our clothes, clothes. Boys blowin' up our phones, phones.

Dennis Kucinich: Put the public option back in. Give the people a chance to really negotiate rates with the insurance companies. But don’t just tell the people that you’re going to call this health care reform, when you’re giving insurance companies an even more powerful monopoly status in our economy.

Pat Magazine: What is Kucinich doing here? There are already too many people to keep track of, Dennis, you have to go. Help yourself to some onion rings on the way out, though.

Every Single Conservative You Will Ever Talk To: I heard someone on TV say that they read somewhere that 1/3 of U.S. physicians swore to resign if this bill passed. That means that 1/3 of U.S. physicians are about to resign, probably to become either bus drivers or to work at Kinko's.

Chris Hedges: The Washington Post reported that up to 30 members of Congress from both parties who hold key committee memberships have major investments in health care companies totaling between $11 million and $27 million. President Barack Obama’s director of health care policy, who will not discuss single payer as an option, has served on the boards of several health care corporations. And as salaries for most Americans have stagnated or declined during the past decade, health insurance profits have risen by 480 percent.

Pat Magazine: Physicians For a National Health Program defines single payer as “a system in which a single public or quasi-public agency organizes health financing, but delivery of care remains largely private. Under a single-payer system, all Americans would be covered for all medically necessary services, including: doctor, hospital, preventive, long-term care, mental health, reproductive health care, dental, vision, prescription drug and medical supply costs. Patients would regain free choice of doctor and hospital, and doctors would regain autonomy over patient care.” That sounds pretty good, why don't we have that?

Chris Hedges: Obama and the congressional leadership have consciously shut out advocates of single payer from the debate. The press, including papers such as The New York Times, treats single payer as a fringe movement. The television networks rarely mention it. And yet between 45 and 60 percent of doctors favor single payer. Between 40 and 62 percent of the American people, including 80 percent of registered Democrats, want universal, single-payer not-for-profit health care for all Americans. The ability of the corporations to discredit and silence voices that represent at least half of the population is another sad testament to the power of our corporate state to frame all discussions.

Tiger Woods's Cock: Ain't that a bitch.

Pat Magazine: So, to summarize the past few months, Obama and the Dems in congress--who are supposed to be humanists and fight for those who have little or no access to affordable health care--drafted this “reform” bill that completely ignored the idea of universal health care. It originally did have the public option, but then they took it out because they are useless cowards. The watered-down bill passed, so liberals are excited like they won the Superbowl, even though it's a complete failure compared to what they could've and should've done. Conservatives are also furious and think we've been annexed as a communist Russia satellite state, even though they've proven they still own Obama, their donors in the corrupt insurance industry still have America by the balls, and a bunch of sick U.S. citizens will continue to die needlessly. Am I missing something here?

Every Single Conservative You Will Ever Talk To: You remember hearing about “death panels,” right? Well I have reason to believe that they have now upped the ante, and are working on some insidious new big government plan called “double death,” in which patients can actually be killed, then resuscitated, then killed again.

Tiger Woods's Cock: I just threw up something green, and I don't think it was the Cilantro Lime Fish Sandwich.

Pat Magazine: I'm pretty sure that's a symptom of Gonorrhea.

Ke$ha: It is.

Pat Magazine: Well, that's a good enough place to stop for today, but this debate isn't over yet. Come back later this week for the conclusion, in which I cut and paste even more sections from other people's articles.

To be continued!

Evidently, a new season of MTV's documentary series is underway, complete with the same old boring coverage of people with inane situations like, "I'm Getting Plastic Surgery," "I'm Addicted to Video Games," and "I Need Anger Management." No one cares. Here are some topics that deserve to be explored on TV.

MTV True Life: "I Follow Nascar"
MTV True Life: "I'm Thinking of Getting a Tribal Arm Band Tattoo"
MTV True Life: "I Wear Ed Hardy T-Shirts"
MTV True Life: "I Have the Worst Hangover"
MTV True Life: "I Own a $500 Purse"
MTV True Life: "I Subscribe to Modern Bride Magazine and Cry When it Comes in the Mail"
MTV True Life: "I Like to Chill, Hang Out, and Party--In That Order"
MTV True Life: "There's a Zit in Between My Shoulder Blades the Size of a Golf Ball"
MTV True Life: "I Work Part-Time at Tile Outlet"
MTV True Life: "My Favorite Show is "Two and a Half Men"
MTV True Life: "I'm in the Market for a New Pair of Jeans"
MTV True Life: "I Think We're Going the Wrong Way"
MTV True Life: "I Still Ride Around on a Razor Scooter"
MTV True Life: "I Suck"
MTV True Life: "My Microwave's Been Broken for Over Two Months"
MTV True Life: "I'm Stuck in an Elevator and My Water Just Broke"
MTV True Life: "I Just Got a Run in My Nylon"
MTV True Life: "My Neck is Really Sore"
MTV True Life: "I Have Eight Children By Nine Different Fathers"
MTV True Life: "I'm Going to be on an Episode of 'MTV True Life'"
MTV True Life: "I Have Crohn's Disease"
MTV True Life: "I'm the Lone Survivor of a Global Nuclear Holocaust"
MTV True Life: "I Will Never Be Tan Enough to Please My Mother"
MTV True Life: "Do I Have Health Insurance Now? No? OK"
MTV True Life: "That Ke$ha Song is Stuck in My Head"
MTV True Life: "I'm Out of Paper Towels"
MTV True Life: "I Was in a Car Accident"
MTV True Life: "Sometimes I Argue With My Spouse"
MTV True Life: "I Own a Golden Retriever"
MTV True Life: "I Have Two Favorite Colors"

Bonus: Due to the popularity of MTV's other popular reality series, "16 and Pregnant," I have a couple ideas for shows in this vein: "15 and Fuckin'," "14 and Fingerin'," and "13 and Thirsty."

Best Supporting Actress: A Big, Fat, Horrible Bitch, Precious
Who Should've Won? Either Girl From Inglourious Basterds

The 15-minute block of the Oscars I actually watched came to an abrupt end when Mo'Nique's name was called and I immediately dove for the remote and quickly flipped to a rerun of "Wizards of Waverly Place" on the Disney Channel. Mo'Nique, as you may not recall, cut her acting teeth as the single mom of another unhealthily overweight daughter in the UPN sitcom, "The Parkers" (typical audience-pleasing punchline: "Hey-AY-ay!"), which was a spin-off from the American classic "Moesha Moesha," which followed "Sister Sister" and "Principal Principal" (starring Steve Harvey) every weeknight. When I saw the trailer for Precious I initially thought it was a movie version of "The Parkers," or maybe a new Wayans brothers parody. My question is this: if the only criteria for this category is to have played an annoying racial stereotype on a bad sitcom, where is the trophy for Jackée from "227?" This is not justice. Or, if the basis is sheer obesity, why not give it to the kid from "Half-Ton Teen" I watched on TLC last week? All I know for sure is that everyone in this movie should have their cholesterol level checked, and if my hunch is right, it's WAY higher than it should be. Meanwhile, the two no-name chicks from the underground resistance in Inglourious Basterds are left without a shitty token to put on the mantle, their only consolation the knowledge that they were actually in a good movie, and won't die of a heart attack in the next five years.

Best Actor: Jeff Bridges, Some Movie Where He Plays the Guitar
Who Should've Won? Woody Harrelson, Zombieland

I don't really like Woody, but he was pretty funny in this movie and it had zombies, so what more do you really want? This just goes to show you don't have to give the award out every year, especially if there aren't any stand-outs. It would make more sense to have given Bridges the award, but put an asterisk next to it, stating that it was for The Big Lebowski (or The Vanishing, or the original Dutch version of The Vanishing for that matter).

Best Actress: Sandra Bullock, Another Movie I Thought Was a Joke When I Saw the Preview
Who Should've Won? Pretty Much Anyone Else, Anything

The star of Speed 2: Cruise Control, Miss Congeniality 2: Armed & Fabulous, and The Lake House takes home the statue for a film that probably should've aired on the Lifetime Movie Network at 2AM. Overlooked candidates: The girl from Martyrs--she had to speak French for the duration of the movie. Granted, she's from France and probably learned it from a very young age, but I couldn't understand anything she was saying, and if weren't for the subtitles, it wouldn't have made sense whatsoever. Sasha Grey--a porn star who did a legit turn in some Steven Soderbergh movie I'll never watch, but her transition should be an inspiration to regular actresses to try and complete the creative cycle by appearing in occasional adult films and prove their range. Forget trying to get Betty White on "Saturday Night Live," let's put her in a Japanese school-girl uniform, send a pizza delivery guy over, and watch the sparks fly. Selena Gomez--"Wizards of Waverly Place" is just a great show, and she's got much better comic timing than Miley. Nancy Pelosi--still has voters convinced she's a liberal even though she's not. It's as if the phrase "Universal Health Care" is like saying "Candyman" for our lazy congress. Tyra Banks--keeps convincing anorexic 20-year-old girls that it's biologically possible to "smile with your eyes" and not sprain your cornea or pull an eyelid out of the socket.

Best Supporting Actor: The Nazi From Inglourious Basterds
Who Should've Won? The Nazi From Inglourious Basterds

Finally, they got one right. Christoph Waltz succeeded as a villain because he was able to drink a glass of milk creepily and eat strudel in an even more unpleasant and dastardly fashion. All great cinematic ne'er-do-wells have some bizarre and sinister food preference: Count Dracula and blood, Dr. Hannibal Lecter and liver, Patrick Bateman and sorbet, the Cookie Monster and chocolate chips, the list goes on and on.

Best Director: Some Lady, The Hurt Locker
Who Should've Won? Some Guy, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

What the fuck is a "hurt locker?" Something you throw freshman into when the hall monitor isn't looking? Did they misspell "Foot Locker?" Was it supposed to be about a man named "Burt Docker," whose name was also misspelled? Anyway, someone deserves an award for G.I. Joe, just because it didn't literally put me to sleep like Transformers did. The Director pulled off the following feats: big underwater battle, big ice-world of Hoth battle, big car/motorcycle/Iron Man suits chase/battle, little kids doing Jiu-Jitsu in a kitchen with one of them getting textbook arm-barred, big sword fight battle, some other battles, getting a believable performance from Dennis Quaid, and even more unbelievable, putting a Wayans brother in a movie without me throwing grenades willy-nilly at my fellow theater-goers. Kudos!

Best Picture: The Burt Docker
What Should've Won? Wolverine

I watched The Foot Locker with my sister two days before the Oscars, and we agreed it was good, but just another war movie. The one interesting twist was that the filmmakers tried to make the Americans out to be the "good guys." This is reminiscent of other movies like Das Boot (about a German submarine in WWII), Letters from Iwo Jima (Japanese infantry, also in WWII), and who could forget being forced to read All Quiet on the Western Front (Germans in WWI) in high school? It is always interesting to attempt to understand a scenario from the villains' point-of-view, and by illuminating the invading/occupying U.S. forces in Iraq, The Butt Licker succeeds in that respect. Regardless, Wolverine was still the best movie of the year, even though they kept calling him James instead of Logan, Gambit wore a derby hat for some reason, and the White Queen had the wrong power. Wolverine's story is the ultimate "everyman" journey--we can all relate to developing strange and unusual abilities at puberty, being transformed into the ultimate killing machine, not being able to tell reality from memory implants, having your asshole step-brother murder your girlfriend, getting trained as a ninja by a half-demon in Japan, getting beat up by the Hulk on your first mission, quitting Alpha Flight, joining the X-Men, being feared and hated by those you've sworn to protect, fighting giant robots, Juggernaut, and Magneto, etc. Life is a series of evil mutants, and sometimes you have to let the berserker rage take over and slice the shit out of it.

Best Supporting Undergarment: Jock Strap
What Should've Won? Sports Bra

Lifetime Achievement Award: Corey Haim
He killed vampires AND a werewolf!

"The Running Man is my new favorite film." --Jerry

"I hate that place. They are making me take pole-dancing lessons on Sunday." --Katie

"Just saw a big fat red-headed teenager fall on his face when he jumped in the air to impress his girlfriend. Funny as hell." --Eric

"Status update-- 'Sometimes you just gotta say fuck it, I don't feel like going to the bathroom, so I'll just piss and shit in my pants.'"--John

"Are all librarians bitches, or just the ones at the Wicker Park location?" --Jaime

"Way to set a record, Cutler! Most picks in a season for a Bears QB in like 60 years." -Chris

"What are some funny names you can say with the word 'cock' in them? Because I want to call Cutler one right now. Thanks." --Kathleen

"Killer Klowns from Outer Space is totally on the U right now." --Stephanie

"Just caught a lizard in my apartment. That was weird." --Jim

"Eating at the Wafflehouse in Kentucky. Scary." --Eric

"Are you actively avoiding me? I'm beginning to think so." --Becky

"We don't know who Dave is, but we grow closer to him through the act of hanging out." --Jerry

“My parents are buying us a new floor lamp for the living room.” --Katie

“You're sure that's cool? That lamp is broken.” --Katie

“It's just broken.” --Katie

“No, the lights work, just need more and better light.” --Katie

"So do you think you're going to watch 'Angel?' Because if you're going to watch it in conjunction with 'Buffy,' it's almost decision time." --Stephanie

"Isn't it funny how the stupid people breed at record numbers? I've always been disturbed by that, and then Mike Judge made a movie about it." --Jim

"I'm pretty sure a drunk girl at the bus stop just knocked out her tooth. She fell twice. Whoops." --Ashley

"I titled the paper 'The Perpetuation of Vaginal Irrigation in the U.S. Nation.'" -Ashley

"I'm with people who are getting really into a Lady GaGa song. Do you think anyone delivers lengths of rope, cyanide, and razor blades? I don't want to mess up." --Ashley

"I'm at a bar where Nancy Grace is being played! I love Wisconsin!" --Ashley

"You know you've had a good day when you take a number two in the men's room at Wendy's." -Ashley

"I just heard someone say that 'there is more to the nativity story than the surface level.' Seriously? I wish I had gills and lived in the desert." --Ashley

"Know how I know the flu has taken over my whole life? I'm getting emotional over a Janet Jackson song from Rhythm Nation." --Ashley

"My roommate and I just bought Family Dollar. It turns out that when you spend over $50 they give you the whole store." --Ashley

"My least appropriate contribution to class today-- 'You're not gay because your uncle fucked you, and because you're gay doesn't mean your uncle fucked you.'" --Ashley

"The bus literally smells like shit. Like, someone may have used the bathroom in their pants." --Ashley

Continuing a formal rebuttal to a recent article from Yahoo! Personals. Click here for Part 1

6. You can't really imagine him as the father of your children. Would he make a great parent? Is he financially responsible? Would he be an equal partner in your future together?.

You didn't "really imagine" that bench-warmer from your high school's football team as the father of your children either, did you? Yet, you still fucked him under the bleachers in December without a rubber and gave your parents a permanent, unpaid babysitting job nine months later, didn't you? Then there was the frat-rat from #&? in college, he didn't seem like daddy-material, but you stopped taking birth control because it gave you headaches and ended up surprising 6-year-old Brianna with a younger brother named Jamal. Can you really afford to be this picky about who the father of your next human fender-bender will be?

7. Your long-term, non-negotiable goals in life are incompatible. You want kids; he doesn't. You go to church every week; he's an atheist. He lives in the country; you can't imagine ever leaving the city.

The divorce rate in this country is so bad that takes all the pressure off trying to keep it together, so who cares if you're incompatible in every way? Roll the dice and ride the 12-month roller coaster of bizarre arguments, sexual schizophrenia, and overall morbid insecurity we here at PM call the Starter Marriage. Weddings are a blast, and chances are your parents will pay for it anyway. (P.S. How the fuck did you start a serious relationship if you live in the city and he's from the country? Did you take a plane to "Cowgirl Camp" or something?)

8. You don't respect each other. He puts you down in front of your friends and complains about you to his parents. You roll your eyes when he talks because there's just something about him that embarrasses you.

Two words: suicide pact.

9. You're not attracted to him. Physical intimacy is a hugely important component of a romantic relationship.

Studies show that physical attraction to one's mate sharply declines at a rate of 5% per week of togetherness (at least according to the dating history of every one of my friends), so if you crunch the numbers, the maximum amount of time you can mathematically want to fuck someone is five months (or twenty weeks, if that's how you choose to look at it). And if I was a real asshole, I would go further and point out that if you keep pushing buttons on that love calculator, you will notice a minus (-) sign before the multiples of five, meaning that initial infatuation is reversing itself into a spinning spiral of scorniness. So, if you're going to be with someone for the long-term--knowing that you will eventually lose the urge to interface in the nude--why bother selecting someone you're remotely attracted to in the first place? Look at Anna Nicole Smith, she married an old rich dude, knowing that he would soon thereafter succumb to either orgasm-induced heart trauma or suffocate under the sheer weight of her breasts and brains. This left her free to pursue her true passion: swan-diving into the deep end of a swimming pool overflowing with un-chlorinated, pure pharmaceutical bliss. Unfortunately, I can't think of any more examples that are more recent or relevant than that, but my point is that you should seek out some ugly dudes and GET IT ON.

10. On paper he seems great, but you have this strange feeling... Don't ignore your gut. You may get along on a superficial level, but if your instincts are telling you he's not the one for you, listen. That little voice inside your head does not lie.

1. "On paper?" You should be using a computer for a life-decision like this. Did you go analog while choosing your college major? 2. "Don't ignore your gut?" You want to trust that same belly that told you for certain that your appendix had burst on your birthday, but it turned out to just be one painful fart as a result of the "Tour of Mexico" dinner and Sangria pitcher? As for the "little voice inside your head," that's actually your jealous mother, and she lies all the time; remember when she sat you down on the couch for that wonderful talk in junior high titled: "Uncle Hank is your real father?" And if the voice isn't hers, it's probably radio-signals from the government trying to control your brain, in which case you need a man to protect you. What's the worst that could happen?