it will be months before i ever love someone this much again

(The following is an excerpt from Pat: The Magazine for Guys contributor Patrick T. Fishbait's upcoming book,* Biography of an Autobiography: The words and music of Trashlee Simpson.)

You can dress me up in diamonds/You can dress me up in dirt. Ashlee opens the fourth song on her album with a dichotomy to remind the listener of the myriad personas she exhibited in the opening track, "Autobiography." What first appears to be a statement of ambivalence toward her wardrobe (as anyone who has ever seen a picture of her can tell you), is actually much deeper. She is basically saying she will wear anything beginning with the letter "d", be it diamonds, dirt, DKNY, Dolce and Gabbana, or even Diesel. You can throw me like a line-man/I like it better when it hurts. Wasting no time, Ashlee makes a clear assertion of her desire for a sado-masochistic relationship, inviting her lover to knock her onto her back; the "lineman" she references is most likely a football player, or more specifically, a member of the Bears' offensive line. I say most likely a football player because neither of the other two definitions of lineman are applicable, as a person who draws lines with a marker doesn't make sense contextually, nor would a man who reminds actors of their dialogue, because Ashlee's is a reality-based show, and those are never pre-scripted except for American Idol, Survivor, and Alias. Her assuredly exhaustively explored preference to painful intercourse gives us a much more intimate and immediate glimpse into her sexuality, which along with dying her hair black, separates her further from her older and more successful sister Jessica, who's subtler sole attempt at suggesting aural coitus, "The Sweetest Sin," wasn't quite as effective as "La La," due to Jessica's mistaking of sex between a married couple as somehow sinful. However, the video was a positive supplement, as it featured Jessica soaking wet in a white dress under a waterfall, as opposed to Ashlee's visual interpretation of her own song, in which she is wearing boys' clothing and dancing clumsily on top of a van, but I digress. Submission and desire for pain in sexual relations are common in a "neglected child" situation (see also: her song "Shadow," every interview she's ever given); the need for attention escalates into a willingness to be punished. Sadly, this probably means Ashlee was not physically abused by her father, and now seeks physical pain from any and all men in her life.

The line Oh I have waited here for you is somewhat confusing, as it indicates her inability to find a suitor capable of punish-fucking her in the manner she requires, but it could just as easily be a longing for one of several breakfast cereals: Ohs, Cheerios, or even Honey Bunches of Oats if she's dyslexic, which is probable, judging again from her wardrobe decisions. Even more disturbing is the possibility she is longing for Po, the red Teletubby with the "O" on its head, although the gentle, plush alien(?) probably would not be a dominant in the bedroom. This avenue of though, coupled with the fact that another Teletubby is named La-La, could lead one to believe Ashlee has the mentality of a pre-schooler, which makes her even hotter.

This brings us to the chorus, You make me wanna la la, meaning copulate to climax, possibly culminating in female ejaculation, which I don't feel comfortable posting a photo of here because Pat: The magazine for Guys is mainly a family-oriented site, but I have seen this phenomenon on the internets and it is AWESOME. Seriously, this one girl Cytheria went off like a super-soaker and sprayed two other people halfway across the set. I wonder what girl-jizz tastes like? Probably cotton-candy. In the kitchen/on the floor establishes her humiliation fetish. What better locale for a self-loathing female to be dominated other than the room typically referred to by the chauvinist alpha-male as "the woman's place," where she wants to be forced to serve her master as he belittles her? This takes it a step further than the first verse, as a tile floor is probably less comfortable to land on than the sod or astroturf of the gridiron. Delving even further into her inner fantasies, she offers I'll be your French maid when I meet you at the door, exposing her wish not just to role-play with her lover, but to actually become another person, one who's very occupation is to take orders. Why French? This harkens back to the opening line You can dress me up in dirt; the French are notorious for not bathing properly or consistently --she wants to be dirrty, possibly even dirrrty. The "door" she mentions is of course a euphemism for her vulva. It is here that Ashlee's one lyrical misstep occurs, she passes on extending the metaphor by perhaps mentioning the "doorknob" (her clitoris) or "turning the doorknob to gain access" or some other comparison of her genitalia to a common entryway. In her defense, she may have been trying to avoid the heavy-handed imagery by Madonna in her song "Open Your Heart" --I hold the lock and you hold the key etc. The next line is the simile I'm like an alley-cat/drink the milk up I want more, in which it's important to note that she chooses the modifier "alley" to let us know that she's not content like a house-cat, because alley-cats are usually hungry, sometimes even starving for sustenance, as the singer is for her own "milk." It is with this confession of an unquenchable thirst for "milk" that Ashlee truly shows her courage in artistic expression where all others would avoid for fear of sounding like a naturally blonde 19 year-old. The chorus concludes with the proclamation You make me wanna/You make me wanna scream, but then she doesn't, suggesting possible trepidation or second thoughts about violent love. Sometimes it's what an artist doesn't say that truly expresses their thoughts.

You can meet me on an aeroplane/Or in the back of the bus progresses this laundry list of sexual deviance to include exhibitionism, or the thrill of public copulation. I believe it was David Cross who once said, "If you ask 100 different girls to have sex, 99 will slap you in the face, but that last girl? She'll fuck in a dump truck." Ashlee isn't a one-in-a-million girl, but there's still something to be said for one-in-a-hundred. This sort of acting-out results once again from the "ignored-child syndrome" she chronicles in "Shadow." Reverse Cowgirl in the back of a Greyhound bus is an attention-seeking device akin to throwing a temper tantrum in a grocery store. However, it's not out of the question that she enjoys making love in an "aeroplane" restroom because of the easy access to a toilet in which to urinate immediately after to prevent pregnancy, followed by a quick head-stand and a cup of cold water to flush out the fallopian tubes. Remember, she is from Texas, where most forms of birth control haven't quite "trickled down" yet, if you'll excuse my wording. You can throw me like a boom-a-rang/I'll come back and beat you up. This is the first and only line to mention her own predilection toward sadism. After "taking" for half a song, she is ready to "give," but only after rejection (being "thrown like a boom-a-rang") is she inclined to beat her lover with her fists, or possibly with her music. A boomerang, of course, is designed to return to its wielder, which suggests a co-dependent relationship with a virulent pattern of dissolution and renewal.

I feel safe with you/I can be myself tonight/It's alright with you/'Cuz you hold my secrets tight/You do. Partners engaging in bondage typically use a "safe-word" to halt the act in event it becomes too intense for one party or they begin to choke. Ashlee's safe-word is probably something along the lines of "puppies in the bathtub," and evocative of a pathological need to... ah fuck it. I'm done.

Ed. note: Going through my notes for this article, I came across the single word "dander" which I had apparently written at the bottom of a page like a month ago, with no obvious connection to anything else. Wtf?

*I'm not really writing an entire book on Ashlee Simpson's lyrics, but I may as well have.