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7. Attempting to commit suicide while pregnant

This is one of the more disturbing and risky methods to employ just to have the chance at seeing a restless spirit. It's hard enough to get pregnant in today's world of irradiated low sperm counts and hypoglycemic un-horny men, but the risk of actually succeeding in your suicide attempt could easily result in becoming a wandering soul yourself, which many ghost-hunters consider cheating--kind of like eating all the cashews out of the can of mixed nuts while your friends do coke in the bathroom. Therefore, I don't blame my contacts/colleagues on Facebook for keeping their dark stories to themselves when I asked to hear their tales. No one will fess up, even though they do happily admit to having abortions, miscarriages, or owning a $500 purse.

A good place for me to have started out with this research would've been to re-watch The Eye 2, but I didn't because I canceled my Netflix when I realized I had already memorized every episode of "Simon & Simon" and didn't need to watch the actual shows anymore. We do know that the American remuck of the first Eye stared "actress" Jessica Alba, who I think was pregnant last year, and if so, should have attempted suicide (mainly so there wouldn't be anymore Fantastic Four movies). I have been calling her agent non-stop for a couple weeks, but he has a really weird voice-mail recording where he sounds like someone trying to take your order from Pizza Hut. I thought perhaps there was a code I was supposed to try and break so they'd know I was a hardcore journalist and not just some paparazzi trying to get a snapshot of her c-section scar or SAT scores, but no matter what I said, someone just kept delivering pasta bread-bowls to my apartment. They were delicious, but I was no closer to my ultimate goal of seeing a ghost or finger-banging Jessica Alba's post-natal asshole with no lube.

Director Roman Polanski was married to actress Sharon Tate, who was 8 1/2 months pregnant when murdered by the Manson Family in 1969. Polanski has directed many films of supernatural themes, including Repulsion (a sexually repressed girl sees hands coming out of the walls to molest her), Rosemary's baby (Mia Farrow is impregnated with the devil's son), and The Ninth Gate (Johnny Depp fucks a female demon played by Polanski's new girlfriend). He also directed a violent cinematic version of Macbeth, originally conceived by pre-Internet blogger William Shakespeare, who also wrote a play called Hamlet, which featured... a ghost! Has Polanski ever seen a one? I'm not sure, but I am sure that he had sex with a 13-year-old, so this is definitely food for thought--if not for digestion.

In Se7en, a with-child Gwyneth Paltrow gets decapitated, which results in ex-husband Brad Pitt becoming the ghost of wrath and shooting Kevin Spacey. This chain of events led to the Lemonheads recording a song called "6ix," which is basically Evan Dando singing the line, "Here comes Gwyneth's head in a box," over and over. Paltrow went on to marry Coldplay singer Chris Martin and had children named Apple and Moses after appearing in The Royal Tenenbaums, in which Luke Wilson's character attempts suicide, partially due to despair over his love for Paltrow's. Wilson's brother Luke attempted suicide in the same manner in real life. The song playing during that scene in the movie is "Needle in the Hay" by Elliot Smith, who killed himself by stabbing his own heart twice with a knife. Brad Pitt was also married to Jennifer Aniston, who was in the first Leprechaun movie and has never been pregnant because she is unlovable and her uterus has dried up. Now we're getting somewhere.

Continuing my research, I somehow came upon the synopsis for a movie called Le Divorce, which I haven't seen because Kate Hudson is the human equivalent of sour chocolate milk lumps. However, a major plot point apparently involves Naomi Watts's character attempting suicide while pregnant. Bingo. As you all know, Watts not only saw--but battled to a standstill--a ghost in the American version of The Ring, and again in the sequel. However, in the original novel the movie was based on, by Japanese author Koji Suzuki, Watt's character survives, only--SPOILER ALERT--to be killed early on in the novel's sequel, entitled Spiral. Now I began to give myself the heebie-jeebies, especially when you take into consideration that Watts used to date Heath Ledger, who is now a ghost due to accidental suicide, and that the Oscars ceremony in which he was posthumously honored was haunted by the Westboro Baptist Church "God Hates Fags" people. We are treading on dangerous, supernatural territory here, my friends.

Next, I made a phone call to an infomercial for "Newsmax," which I guess is some conservative website. They were offering, along with a subscription, the Sarah Palin memoir Going Rogue for only $4.99. I asked the operator if they offered any memoirs written by someone more retarded, and offered to purchase that book WITHOUT the discount. They hung up on me. This has nothing to do with ghosts, but I had a pretty good chuckle.

The blonde cheerleader on "Glee" is a good candidate--she's pregnant and despondent over lying about the real father, as well as being thrown out by her own father, not to mention keeping up her grades. If she sees a ghost--adding a horror element to the show--this already ground-breaking program that blends comedy and drama with red-hot song-and-dance numbers could push the envelope even further. I have somehow unintentionally seen every episode and I STILL DON'T KNOW WHETHER OR NOT I LIKE THE SHOW. I am haunted by indecision.

So what now? I'm no closer than when I started several paragraphs ago. I may have to send a sperm-o-gram to the femailbox of the cashier at Aldi's who gave me the eye when I bought that half-gallon of Rocky Road on New Year's Eve, then start feeding into her probable self-hatred at working in the worst excuse for a grocery store in the country, mess with her prescriptions, and let it go from there. You'll be the first to know what happens.

Next: Part 6