The Yahoo! Personals section is widely considered (by people who need the Internet to figure out if they're in love or not) to be the foremost authority on anything relationships-related. However, a recent article contains some potentially damaging ideas I think need to be debunked, and since the girl I met at the grand unveiling of the new Big Mac Snack Wrap doesn't need a ride to Planned Parenthood after all (ironically, also thanks to the Big Mac Wrap), I have a few minutes to critically analyze this fist-list.

1. You have a list of things he needs to stop doing/saying/wearing if he wants your relationship to work.

Wrong! Boyfriends are like Ken dolls, you should be allowed to do his hair and make him wear your underwear if that's what makes you happy. As for things he says, shove a cassette recorder up his ass like Teddy Ruxpin, filled with 45 minutes of things only the perfect man would ever say, like, "Let's get a third cat."

2. You don't trust him. A small dose of jealousy can be healthy, but if you're hacking into his email account, and going berserk when he goes out without you, something's wrong.

Wrong! You should never fully trust another person, it takes the fun and mystery out of the relationship, just like wearing glasses to see better or chewing your food fully before swallowing. If you don't hack someone's e-mail/phone, how will you know they're not in a terrorist sleeper cell? By obsessively reading his messages from coworkers, fantasy football league members, and his stock-broker, you could stumble upon the code to launch like 50 nuclear missiles, and if it turns out he's just cheating on you with the mailman, you'll actually be relieved!

3. You avoid conflict at any cost. Fighting is healthy. Ignoring problems is not the same as having no problems at all.

Wrong! Fighting is not healthy. It can lead to bruising, bleeding, and damage to dental work--such as losing a filling or root canal while biting someone's skull. Ignoring problems is the only way to completely avoid all conflict, like abstinence is the only 100% effective method to avoid STDs. You can't put a condom on a heated argument. Just keep pretending everything's fine until one of you can't take it and jumps out the window.

4. When you're sad, you don't turn to him for comfort. When you're a giant ball of tears and snot, do you lock yourself into the bathroom so he can't see you at your worst?

Wrong! Tears are fine, but "a giant ball of... snot?" No one wants to see that. The only one who can be expected to help blow your nose is your mother, and only until you're five, after that, you're on your own in this cold, hard, runny nose of a life. And let's look into the precipitating causes of all this excess mucus, do you have a cold? Have you been tested for allergies? Post-nasal drip is not something to fuck around with. Let's get you some Claritin, girl!

5. One of you is struggling with an addiction. He's sweet. He's exciting. He loves you very much. But he loves his alcohol habit or his weekly gambling fix more.

Wrong! Dating someone with a drug problem is a total win, because you have built-in leverage in all conflicts. He doesn't want to go to your friend's out-of-town wedding? Mail his little baggie of coke to the hotel you booked. Refuses to put the toilet seat down? Delete his pot-dealer's number from his phone. Won't snuggle after anal? Smoke all his crack while he's mowing the lawn. Now if he's a compulsive gambler, chances are he's working hard to try and get a big score so he can finally treat you like the enchanted princess you are, lavishing gifts upon you such as different colored shoes, blood-diamonds, and the new copy of In Touch magazine. Let it go and you could be living the good life and wearing fancy new outfits like that Ke$ha.

Next: The second half of the article