Continuing a formal rebuttal to a recent article from Yahoo! Personals. Click here for Part 1

6. You can't really imagine him as the father of your children. Would he make a great parent? Is he financially responsible? Would he be an equal partner in your future together?.

You didn't "really imagine" that bench-warmer from your high school's football team as the father of your children either, did you? Yet, you still fucked him under the bleachers in December without a rubber and gave your parents a permanent, unpaid babysitting job nine months later, didn't you? Then there was the frat-rat from #&? in college, he didn't seem like daddy-material, but you stopped taking birth control because it gave you headaches and ended up surprising 6-year-old Brianna with a younger brother named Jamal. Can you really afford to be this picky about who the father of your next human fender-bender will be?

7. Your long-term, non-negotiable goals in life are incompatible. You want kids; he doesn't. You go to church every week; he's an atheist. He lives in the country; you can't imagine ever leaving the city.

The divorce rate in this country is so bad that takes all the pressure off trying to keep it together, so who cares if you're incompatible in every way? Roll the dice and ride the 12-month roller coaster of bizarre arguments, sexual schizophrenia, and overall morbid insecurity we here at PM call the Starter Marriage. Weddings are a blast, and chances are your parents will pay for it anyway. (P.S. How the fuck did you start a serious relationship if you live in the city and he's from the country? Did you take a plane to "Cowgirl Camp" or something?)

8. You don't respect each other. He puts you down in front of your friends and complains about you to his parents. You roll your eyes when he talks because there's just something about him that embarrasses you.

Two words: suicide pact.

9. You're not attracted to him. Physical intimacy is a hugely important component of a romantic relationship.

Studies show that physical attraction to one's mate sharply declines at a rate of 5% per week of togetherness (at least according to the dating history of every one of my friends), so if you crunch the numbers, the maximum amount of time you can mathematically want to fuck someone is five months (or twenty weeks, if that's how you choose to look at it). And if I was a real asshole, I would go further and point out that if you keep pushing buttons on that love calculator, you will notice a minus (-) sign before the multiples of five, meaning that initial infatuation is reversing itself into a spinning spiral of scorniness. So, if you're going to be with someone for the long-term--knowing that you will eventually lose the urge to interface in the nude--why bother selecting someone you're remotely attracted to in the first place? Look at Anna Nicole Smith, she married an old rich dude, knowing that he would soon thereafter succumb to either orgasm-induced heart trauma or suffocate under the sheer weight of her breasts and brains. This left her free to pursue her true passion: swan-diving into the deep end of a swimming pool overflowing with un-chlorinated, pure pharmaceutical bliss. Unfortunately, I can't think of any more examples that are more recent or relevant than that, but my point is that you should seek out some ugly dudes and GET IT ON.

10. On paper he seems great, but you have this strange feeling... Don't ignore your gut. You may get along on a superficial level, but if your instincts are telling you he's not the one for you, listen. That little voice inside your head does not lie.

1. "On paper?" You should be using a computer for a life-decision like this. Did you go analog while choosing your college major? 2. "Don't ignore your gut?" You want to trust that same belly that told you for certain that your appendix had burst on your birthday, but it turned out to just be one painful fart as a result of the "Tour of Mexico" dinner and Sangria pitcher? As for the "little voice inside your head," that's actually your jealous mother, and she lies all the time; remember when she sat you down on the couch for that wonderful talk in junior high titled: "Uncle Hank is your real father?" And if the voice isn't hers, it's probably radio-signals from the government trying to control your brain, in which case you need a man to protect you. What's the worst that could happen?