Best Supporting Actress: A Big, Fat, Horrible Bitch, Precious
Who Should've Won? Either Girl From Inglourious Basterds

The 15-minute block of the Oscars I actually watched came to an abrupt end when Mo'Nique's name was called and I immediately dove for the remote and quickly flipped to a rerun of "Wizards of Waverly Place" on the Disney Channel. Mo'Nique, as you may not recall, cut her acting teeth as the single mom of another unhealthily overweight daughter in the UPN sitcom, "The Parkers" (typical audience-pleasing punchline: "Hey-AY-ay!"), which was a spin-off from the American classic "Moesha Moesha," which followed "Sister Sister" and "Principal Principal" (starring Steve Harvey) every weeknight. When I saw the trailer for Precious I initially thought it was a movie version of "The Parkers," or maybe a new Wayans brothers parody. My question is this: if the only criteria for this category is to have played an annoying racial stereotype on a bad sitcom, where is the trophy for Jackée from "227?" This is not justice. Or, if the basis is sheer obesity, why not give it to the kid from "Half-Ton Teen" I watched on TLC last week? All I know for sure is that everyone in this movie should have their cholesterol level checked, and if my hunch is right, it's WAY higher than it should be. Meanwhile, the two no-name chicks from the underground resistance in Inglourious Basterds are left without a shitty token to put on the mantle, their only consolation the knowledge that they were actually in a good movie, and won't die of a heart attack in the next five years.

Best Actor: Jeff Bridges, Some Movie Where He Plays the Guitar
Who Should've Won? Woody Harrelson, Zombieland

I don't really like Woody, but he was pretty funny in this movie and it had zombies, so what more do you really want? This just goes to show you don't have to give the award out every year, especially if there aren't any stand-outs. It would make more sense to have given Bridges the award, but put an asterisk next to it, stating that it was for The Big Lebowski (or The Vanishing, or the original Dutch version of The Vanishing for that matter).

Best Actress: Sandra Bullock, Another Movie I Thought Was a Joke When I Saw the Preview
Who Should've Won? Pretty Much Anyone Else, Anything

The star of Speed 2: Cruise Control, Miss Congeniality 2: Armed & Fabulous, and The Lake House takes home the statue for a film that probably should've aired on the Lifetime Movie Network at 2AM. Overlooked candidates: The girl from Martyrs--she had to speak French for the duration of the movie. Granted, she's from France and probably learned it from a very young age, but I couldn't understand anything she was saying, and if weren't for the subtitles, it wouldn't have made sense whatsoever. Sasha Grey--a porn star who did a legit turn in some Steven Soderbergh movie I'll never watch, but her transition should be an inspiration to regular actresses to try and complete the creative cycle by appearing in occasional adult films and prove their range. Forget trying to get Betty White on "Saturday Night Live," let's put her in a Japanese school-girl uniform, send a pizza delivery guy over, and watch the sparks fly. Selena Gomez--"Wizards of Waverly Place" is just a great show, and she's got much better comic timing than Miley. Nancy Pelosi--still has voters convinced she's a liberal even though she's not. It's as if the phrase "Universal Health Care" is like saying "Candyman" for our lazy congress. Tyra Banks--keeps convincing anorexic 20-year-old girls that it's biologically possible to "smile with your eyes" and not sprain your cornea or pull an eyelid out of the socket.

Best Supporting Actor: The Nazi From Inglourious Basterds
Who Should've Won? The Nazi From Inglourious Basterds

Finally, they got one right. Christoph Waltz succeeded as a villain because he was able to drink a glass of milk creepily and eat strudel in an even more unpleasant and dastardly fashion. All great cinematic ne'er-do-wells have some bizarre and sinister food preference: Count Dracula and blood, Dr. Hannibal Lecter and liver, Patrick Bateman and sorbet, the Cookie Monster and chocolate chips, the list goes on and on.

Best Director: Some Lady, The Hurt Locker
Who Should've Won? Some Guy, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

What the fuck is a "hurt locker?" Something you throw freshman into when the hall monitor isn't looking? Did they misspell "Foot Locker?" Was it supposed to be about a man named "Burt Docker," whose name was also misspelled? Anyway, someone deserves an award for G.I. Joe, just because it didn't literally put me to sleep like Transformers did. The Director pulled off the following feats: big underwater battle, big ice-world of Hoth battle, big car/motorcycle/Iron Man suits chase/battle, little kids doing Jiu-Jitsu in a kitchen with one of them getting textbook arm-barred, big sword fight battle, some other battles, getting a believable performance from Dennis Quaid, and even more unbelievable, putting a Wayans brother in a movie without me throwing grenades willy-nilly at my fellow theater-goers. Kudos!

Best Picture: The Burt Docker
What Should've Won? Wolverine

I watched The Foot Locker with my sister two days before the Oscars, and we agreed it was good, but just another war movie. The one interesting twist was that the filmmakers tried to make the Americans out to be the "good guys." This is reminiscent of other movies like Das Boot (about a German submarine in WWII), Letters from Iwo Jima (Japanese infantry, also in WWII), and who could forget being forced to read All Quiet on the Western Front (Germans in WWI) in high school? It is always interesting to attempt to understand a scenario from the villains' point-of-view, and by illuminating the invading/occupying U.S. forces in Iraq, The Butt Licker succeeds in that respect. Regardless, Wolverine was still the best movie of the year, even though they kept calling him James instead of Logan, Gambit wore a derby hat for some reason, and the White Queen had the wrong power. Wolverine's story is the ultimate "everyman" journey--we can all relate to developing strange and unusual abilities at puberty, being transformed into the ultimate killing machine, not being able to tell reality from memory implants, having your asshole step-brother murder your girlfriend, getting trained as a ninja by a half-demon in Japan, getting beat up by the Hulk on your first mission, quitting Alpha Flight, joining the X-Men, being feared and hated by those you've sworn to protect, fighting giant robots, Juggernaut, and Magneto, etc. Life is a series of evil mutants, and sometimes you have to let the berserker rage take over and slice the shit out of it.

Best Supporting Undergarment: Jock Strap
What Should've Won? Sports Bra

Lifetime Achievement Award: Corey Haim
He killed vampires AND a werewolf!