09/10: Scary Halloween Movies You Haven't Seen or Maybe You Did, Eh?
WARNING: This article isn't funny (on purpose).
The Eye 2 –Don’t watch this if you are pregnant or hope to be someday. There were at least two parts I had to rewind because I couldn’t believe what I saw. The predecessor to this Korean film is pretty scary too. Disclaimer: This movie has nothing to do with an eye, per se, although the entire cast has two of them (each).
Session 9 –A group of asbestos removers in a haunted (or is it?) mental asylum. This atmospheric chiller* features David Caruso, one of the greatest red-haired TV actors of all time.
Dog Soldiers –A Scottish army unit is attacked by a group of werewolves in the middle of a forest and must survive the night holed up in a woman’s cottage. Authentic Scottish accents and fake bullets abound.
Audition –Lulls you into a false sense of security by starting out like a romantic comedy before it begins hurting you badly. I can’t say much else without ruining it, but don’t let the subtitles on these Asian invasion ones scare you pussies away.
The Thing –Kurt Russell, the greatest working American actor, stars as a member of a military science lab stationed in Antarctica who are terrorized and dismembered by an alien that hides itself by taking the form of whatever living thing it comes in contact with. Totally sweet.
Exorcist 3 –Based on Legion, the sequel William Peter Blatty wrote for his book The Exorcist, George C. Scott stars as a cop interrogating a guy who claims to be a deceased serial killer inhabiting the body of Father Karras, the priest who jumped out the window in the original. Also features a nursing home patient with Spiderman powers and a headless statue of Jesus wielding a nasty pair of surgical shears. A personal fav of Jimmy Skullpuff, and you all know how much his opinion is worth.
The Hills Have Eyes –Violent early Wes Craven movie about a family whose RV breaks down in the desert and are slaughtered by inbred cannibals until it’s time to slaughter back. No punches are pulled, I think a dog and a baby get it in this one. Bonus: Inspiration for the title track of the Misfits album Earth Ad. “You bet your life there’s gonna be a fight/you bet your life because the hills have eyes/and you’re gonna die.” People are really impressed when you have knowledge like that.
Tales From the Crypt Presents Bordello of Blood –Dennis Miller plays a wise-cracking private eye hired by a Baywatch alum to investigate the disappearance of her brother, Corey Feldman, who was last seen entering a whore-house run by Angie Everhart that may employ vampires who might be involved in a conspiracy with a rock n’ roll televangelist played by the Guy from Fright Night. Why you are still reading this and not already out the door en route to rent this is beyond me.
Final Destination 2 –A group of strangers survive a highway pile-up they were not meant to, resulting in death itself hunting them down systematically, killing them in bizarre and improbable, yet cinematically fascinating ways. This should have won Best Picture in 2003.
Dead End –Much hilarity ensues on X-mas Eve when a family gets lost taking a shortcut to grandma’s house and are taken one-by-one by an enigmatically ubiquitous hearse on the proverbial highway to hell. It’s actually really funny, I wasn’t being sarcastic.
In the Mouth of Madness –The guy from Jurassic Park gets tangled in a spider’s web of severe crap trying to figure out why a Stephen King-esque writer’s books appear to be coming true. I’m still hoping for a sequel called In the Nose of Sadness, but it’s not gonna happen.
Love Object –A lonely office drone orders a fuck-doll and dresses it up like a temp he has a crush on. When he develops the confidence to ask out he real girl, the doll gets jealous. Alan Thicke, the dad from Growing Pains, isn’t in this.
The Fog –A small island town takes it up the ass when a pissed-off group of nautical-tool-wielding ghost-zombies exact their revenge, appearing wherever a mysterious fog rolls up. See it now so when the remake comes out Friday, you can say to your friends, “Dude, I saw the original two days ago, and it was way better without Superboy."
*Real movie critics use phrases like "atmospheric chiller."
The Eye 2 –Don’t watch this if you are pregnant or hope to be someday. There were at least two parts I had to rewind because I couldn’t believe what I saw. The predecessor to this Korean film is pretty scary too. Disclaimer: This movie has nothing to do with an eye, per se, although the entire cast has two of them (each).
Session 9 –A group of asbestos removers in a haunted (or is it?) mental asylum. This atmospheric chiller* features David Caruso, one of the greatest red-haired TV actors of all time.
Dog Soldiers –A Scottish army unit is attacked by a group of werewolves in the middle of a forest and must survive the night holed up in a woman’s cottage. Authentic Scottish accents and fake bullets abound.
Audition –Lulls you into a false sense of security by starting out like a romantic comedy before it begins hurting you badly. I can’t say much else without ruining it, but don’t let the subtitles on these Asian invasion ones scare you pussies away.
The Thing –Kurt Russell, the greatest working American actor, stars as a member of a military science lab stationed in Antarctica who are terrorized and dismembered by an alien that hides itself by taking the form of whatever living thing it comes in contact with. Totally sweet.
Exorcist 3 –Based on Legion, the sequel William Peter Blatty wrote for his book The Exorcist, George C. Scott stars as a cop interrogating a guy who claims to be a deceased serial killer inhabiting the body of Father Karras, the priest who jumped out the window in the original. Also features a nursing home patient with Spiderman powers and a headless statue of Jesus wielding a nasty pair of surgical shears. A personal fav of Jimmy Skullpuff, and you all know how much his opinion is worth.
The Hills Have Eyes –Violent early Wes Craven movie about a family whose RV breaks down in the desert and are slaughtered by inbred cannibals until it’s time to slaughter back. No punches are pulled, I think a dog and a baby get it in this one. Bonus: Inspiration for the title track of the Misfits album Earth Ad. “You bet your life there’s gonna be a fight/you bet your life because the hills have eyes/and you’re gonna die.” People are really impressed when you have knowledge like that.
Tales From the Crypt Presents Bordello of Blood –Dennis Miller plays a wise-cracking private eye hired by a Baywatch alum to investigate the disappearance of her brother, Corey Feldman, who was last seen entering a whore-house run by Angie Everhart that may employ vampires who might be involved in a conspiracy with a rock n’ roll televangelist played by the Guy from Fright Night. Why you are still reading this and not already out the door en route to rent this is beyond me.
Final Destination 2 –A group of strangers survive a highway pile-up they were not meant to, resulting in death itself hunting them down systematically, killing them in bizarre and improbable, yet cinematically fascinating ways. This should have won Best Picture in 2003.
Dead End –Much hilarity ensues on X-mas Eve when a family gets lost taking a shortcut to grandma’s house and are taken one-by-one by an enigmatically ubiquitous hearse on the proverbial highway to hell. It’s actually really funny, I wasn’t being sarcastic.
In the Mouth of Madness –The guy from Jurassic Park gets tangled in a spider’s web of severe crap trying to figure out why a Stephen King-esque writer’s books appear to be coming true. I’m still hoping for a sequel called In the Nose of Sadness, but it’s not gonna happen.
Love Object –A lonely office drone orders a fuck-doll and dresses it up like a temp he has a crush on. When he develops the confidence to ask out he real girl, the doll gets jealous. Alan Thicke, the dad from Growing Pains, isn’t in this.
The Fog –A small island town takes it up the ass when a pissed-off group of nautical-tool-wielding ghost-zombies exact their revenge, appearing wherever a mysterious fog rolls up. See it now so when the remake comes out Friday, you can say to your friends, “Dude, I saw the original two days ago, and it was way better without Superboy."
*Real movie critics use phrases like "atmospheric chiller."
lindsay wrote: