i love you so much it's killing us both
January 2005: After four years, my girlfriend and I make the mutual decision to split up. (She kicked me out.) For the latter part of 2004, we were arguing too much and sleeping away from home with friends just to be away from each other. So in January, I packed up my gear and moved to Chicago to live with Johnny Fearless and start a new job.

Two days later: She decides that my moving away was a mistake and we decide to consider it a temporary change with the goal of getting back together in a few months.

Valentine's Day 2005: We are back together. Nice. Dinner, lots of alcohol, crazy sex.

March 2005: She breaks up with me again, starts dating someone else immediately. It is a mutual acquaintance. I freak the fuck out. I threaten new boyfriend. New boyfriend goes to police. Police say they can't do anything unless I actually do what I said I was going to do. I never do.

April 2005: New boyfriend moves into my house that I bought with the ex. Let me repeat this: New boyfriend moves into my fucking house. My head explodes. Takes me 2 weeks to remove bone shards from carpet.

May 2005: I start seeing other girls and actually kind of like one of them. Dinners, lots of alcohol, crazy sex.

June 2005: Ex calls me at work crying her eyes out. Says we have to meet up. We meet at the Green Door where she confesses her undying love for me and says she can't stand new boyfriend and is kicking him out. Retard that I am, I agree to stop seeing other people and move back in with her.

July 2005: I don't move in. Ex says she wants to take it slow. Crazy sex does not ensue. I keep my word and blow off other girls. One of them doesn't care at all and the other two freak out.

August 2005 to December 2005: Take the worst relationship you've ever been in and multiply it by 2,675. It's long distance (Chicago to north suburbs), we argue about retarded crap, crazy sex is only dreamt about.

Day after Christmas 2005: Ex breaks up with me again, this time over the phone. Says she has been in love with new boyfriend the entire time.

New Years Eve 2005: Ex calls me to wish me happy new year. Asks me if she can join me. I am retarded and say yes. Lots of alcohol and crazy sex. She re-re-confesses her undying love for me. I believe her.

New Years Day 2006: Breakfast, bloody marys, undying love sworn over eggs and bacon. Talks of moving in with each other again commence.

Day after New Years Day 2006: Breaks up with me. Again. Did I see it coming? I guess. Tells me new boyfriend and her are going to Jamaica in March.

So here is the moral to the fucking story. I am retarded. And probably the most jealous person ever. But if you want to know the secret for the best sex you will ever have, keep breaking up with your girlfriend. If you want to know the secret for a long lasting relationship, go ask someone else. You know what makes me feel better? Nothing, so fuck off with your "I'm better off without her" crap. Happy fucking Valentine's Day.