17/02: Boost your self-esteem with this easy twelve week program!
If anyone remembers or cares about the Superbowl they might recall Dove’s commercial campaign to give girls who hate themselves a burst of self-esteem by somehow turning generous people’s money into positive feelings. It’s a lofty goal, but the details are sketchy. Mind control drugs in bars of soap? Hallucinogens in face cream? The PM investigative team is in the field* somewhat diligently picking up the scoop. Meanwhile, we’d like to give you an excerpt from our Pat Magazine Self-Esteem Camp for Girls and Women brochure. This estrogen-fueled summer camp takes place on the placid waters of Lake Useecuntie and promises a 12% increase in self-esteem by commencement. If you or someone you know hates themselves and would be interested in signing up for the camp, please contact the PM headquarters.
Check out the itinerary!
Week 1: Binge Week
It’s time to go crazy and meet new friends! What’s your poison? Booze, strange piercings, Twinkies, microwave burritos, drugs, anal sex, cake frosting, pills, mayonnaise, self-inflicted wounds, lesbian tendencies and more will be offered in a plentiful supply to campers as they meet other campers and form powerful friendship bonds. This is a perfect icebreaker and a time to experiment with things that might not be readily available to the typical non-camper.
Week 2: Lament about Binge Week
Oh fuck, you overdid it, didn’t you? Yeah. The DTs are back. You’re twenty pounds heavier, your ass is bleeding, you’re pale, oh so pale. That’s why week 2 is dedicated to brooding over all the stupid things done in week 1. Campers are locked in their living quarters and encouraged to be overwhelmed by bad thoughts. Carrot sticks and well water are served under the door. The camper will be allowed to do a creative potpourri craft when they finally hit rock bottom.
Week 3: Reflecting on Binge/Lament Week
Remember week 1? Remember week 2? Look at how much better you did during week 2! You didn’t have twenty-five ho-hos a day or shoot heroin every twenty minutes. In just a week’s time you’re becoming a better person. Campers will talk about their experiences over the past two weeks and see what tremendous progress they already made. Special mid-week seminar: Yeah, you’re crying on the inside, but show the world your smile!
Week 4: Weeklong seminar: Turning sexual harassment into a self-esteem booster
We present the camper with this equation: being sexual harassed=being wanted by someone with poor social skills=validity in life because someone wants you=higher self-esteem. Several role-playing scenarios led by actual PM writers will put the campers in real-life sexual harassment situations to teach them to turn unbecoming comments into self-esteem gold.
Week 5: Talent Show week!
Campers will prepare a skit, song, or angry poetry and perform it in front of an applause machine. Self-esteem will flourish as they take in the sounds of artificial laughter and clapping. Awards will be given for the following categories: angriest, most creative, most rhyming words, least crying while performing, and most skin exposed.
Week 6: Makeover week!
The halfway point! Time to celebrate! Several semi-certified beauticians will give the campers the look they always wanted but didn’t know it. Crew cuts, dark eyeliner, and rouge will flow like the nearby Pat River. (This body of water has been deemed unsafe to swim in due to the needles we disposed of during week 1 so don’t bring your swimsuit.) The mirror quickly becomes your best friend after the magic of makeovers.
Week 7: Undoing the makeover: the self esteem boost
Did we say semi-certified beauticians? Oops. We meant high schoolers on LSD. This week we bring in the finest community college beauticians-in-training to restore your old look. You’ll quickly realize that getting a makeover was bunk, and you’re natural look was much more flattering. Can you feel the self-esteem rising?
Week 8: Field Trip to Fat Camp
It has been scientifically proven that looking at people worse off than you dramatically increases self-esteem. We’re going across the lake to the Kristy Alley Fat Camp to compete in several physical activities. Never thought you’d win a 5K race? Just wait until you’re doing it against one of Kristy’s Fatties.
Week 9: Weeklong Seminar: Finding Surefire Places to Get Positive Comments
This informative series of educational sessions provides campers with valuable information about where they should go after leaving camp to stroke self-esteem. Topics include: being attractive in a four AM bar, fishing for compliments in nursing homes, hanging out with people on the burn unit, and finding a mate while traveling through the backwoods.
Week 10: What the Television Doesn’t Tell You
Did you know most actors are drug addicts? Most models have eating disorders? Cartoon characters suffer from severe anxiety? Sports commentators are degenerate alcoholics who wish they still had the skills to play in the majors? We’ll take an in-depth look at several famous people and meticulously list all their faults and fears. No amount of airbrushing will make them seem perfect after this week’s seminars.
Week 11: Binge/Lament/Reflect Week: The Superfast Version
Using all the techniques the camper learned from weeks 1, 2, and 3, the camper will indulge, hit rock bottom, then be redeemed in just one short week paving the way for many bi-polar weeks of the future.
Week 12: Commencement!
Punch served! Family members and registered sex offenders welcomed!
*in the field=some dark corner of the bar skirting out of their job of uncovering newsworthy crap.
Pat wrote:
2. we need to copywrite the applause machine immediately.
3. we still don't have a lawyer.
4. kristin cavallari from laguna beach just walked out on us because she got some job hosting some party crap on some cable channel where they have "a pay roll department." thats what she said.
5. i keep eating corned beef hash from the corner store on the corner.