sex in a bottle
1. The neighbor's wireless internet connection reaching to our apt. so we don't have to go downstairs and hold the lap-top against their door to get a signal.
2. Children, for always bleeding.
3. The possibility that science may some day have the capability to create a shark-bat hybrid that I could use to take out some real a-holes I know.
4. The word “a-hole,” which was recently reintroduced to me by a guy on the train who kept calling his 1 ½-year-old baby the word when it was crying for a half-hour. He and his other son then began singing Justin Timberlake’s “Cry Me a River” to further mock the child and annoy other commuters. Long-time PM reader, Danny, had this to say on the matter: "I think you should have thanked him for a valuable lesson in parenting. That is, no matter how terrible you treat your children in public, it's pretty unlikely that anyone will call DCFS."
5. Local politicians running for public office who try and shake my hand at the train station, which gives me opportunity to engage them into conversations about what their plans for combating zombie outbreaks might be. One guy actually claimed to "have been giving it a lot of thought lately," before he realized I was fucking with him and walked away when I started explaining how you have to make sure to hit them precisely in the head. Then I turned to a guy next to me and angrily exclaimed, "He doesn't have a plan against zombies at all!" Then there was the time I yelled "No chance in hell!" to some guy repping for Mark Kirk, with Kirk right next to him. That wasn't as cool though because it had nothing to do with zombies.
6. Incompetent judges who let me vote without proper ID, registration, or proof of address.
7. Girls who have a broad basis of what doesn't constitute cheating on their boyfriends/husbands.
8. I have a blowgun coming to me in the mail within 4-6 weeks. I'm not sure what it is exactly, but the name has me assuming it will help me combine two of my favorite hobbies.
9. Paris Hilton. Sure, she’s both annoying and boring at the same time, but I’ve been reading these radical biology/science blogs that are theorizing sooner or later her body will synthesize a lethal, quick--yet extremely painful--“super-strain” of VD that will have been remotely incubating in the loins of everyone she’s ever come into sexual contact with, culminating in 75% of Hollywood exploding at exactly 12:00am New Year’s Day. Come on, radical biology/science!
10. My life coach, Christian Slater.
11. Rex Grossman, the best worst quarterback in the NFL.
12. The occasional one-piece, photobucket-worthy bowel movement.
13. Booze, for always being there for me, even when I’m not there for you.
14. PM readership dropping off so we’re not always under so much pressure to always be good, like around Thanksgiving week, for example.
15. The bottle of bleu cheese dressing I keep on my nightstand.
16. Speed-dial, specifically, speed-dial #1 on my phone, which goes to the sub line at my work.
17. The fact that I work at a place where every once in a while, someone will say “Ouch!” when there’s no one even close to them.
18. People who buy celebrity gossip magazines and feel bad that the paparazzi are always hounding their favorite star.
19. Porn, and things like pass for porn, like climbing up the fire escape to watch her fuck her new boyfriend with his little baby dick, and then her calling the cops.
20. Fucking her sister with your little baby dick, then her calling the cops and saying it wasn’t consensual, even though she had you blindfolded and handcuffed to the bed with her video-camera rolling.
21. The “Choose Your Own Adventure” book I started writing like a year ago but stopped after two months because I got writer’s block after the part with the giant, rabid hamsters tearing up Strega Nona.
22. Doctors who order $300 X-rays for every possible ailment, including, but not limited to: chicken pox, ingrown toenails, dyslexia, seasonal affective disorder, premature rejaculation, and infected nipple piercings.
23. Save the cheerleader, change the channel.
24. That it's wrong for the white guy from "Seinfeld" to call someone a nigger, but ok for the black guy from "Grey's Anatomy" to call someone a faggot.
25. I'm also glad Kevin Whatever's penis never ended up staying hard for hours, college would have been a lot more painful.