Pat: The Magazine for Guys

As you know, we are quickly approaching an important holiday here in America--the 4th of July--a day we watch fireworks and reflect on our freedom. Specifically, our freedom to spend all of our income on material possessions we don’t need, made by untouchable multiglobal corporations that pollute everything on Earth and give us all cancer while we text people we don‘t even like about game shows featuring former “Saved by the Bell” cast members. This year is especially exciting, because the “Transformers” movie comes out too, and it is going to suck with such intensity that you are going to want to rent something with Kevin Costner in it just to get the bad taste out of your mouth. People say to me, “Patrick, why do you think it’s going to be so bad?” To them, I say, “Have you ever seen the “Scooby Doo” movie? Have you ever seen the “Miami Vice” movie? Well, mix those together in a bowl, dump in the robots, and have it cooked in an oven owned by the people who gave you Armageddon and Pearl Harbor. Fuckface.” Then they see my point and tell me how cool I am to have foreseen this. I will most likely see it anyways, although I will sneak in after buying a ticket for Nancy Drew, because my heart tells me movies about hot girl sleuths deserve sequels more than movies about giant Volkswagons fighting Shia LaBeouf. Lying in bed, enraged while brooding over important matters like this, as I frequently do, I realized that if Transformers performs well at the box office, an even worse “He-Man” movie could easily be in the cards. The morning after having that dark premonition, I was horrified (but not surprised) to read in the newspaper that He-Man and the Masters of the Universe had already been greenlightened. I was too late. But not too late to warn you of what could be in store for summers ‘09 and beyond if the planet does not heed my warning immediately.

He-Man I read they plan to make it “gritty fantasy, along the lines of Lord of the Rings.” Just what we need, another 14-hour epic about midgets walking around the forest stabbing each other and throwing shit around.* How “gritty” can a movie be when the hero, Prince Adam, wears white tights, a beaver-skin speedo, and a pirate shirt all in the same outfit? My hope is that they get a pretentious auteur director, like Ang Lee, to ruin it like he did The Hulk, by using a Greek tragedy storyline where Adam has to come to grips with his stormy relationship with his father (played by Nick Nolte), who has raped his close friend, the magical Orko. Then Jennifer Connelly could play Teela and mope around the whole movie like some emo brat who couldn’t get tickets to the Taking Back Sunday show and can’t even whine about it on her livejournal because her internet connection is down. “He-Man” had the same plot as every other cartoon from this era: good guys perpetually fighting bad guys who never really detailed their motives or nefarious schemes, but seemed very adamant about achieving some sort of malfeasance. What set “He-Man” apart was overt and flamboyant steroid abuse in a non-sports-related setting, and wardrobes that screamed “Gay Shame Parade,” if such a thing exists (outside of Catholic high schools, that is). Leather, furs, chest-belts, cod-pieces, head-dresses, bare skin, chrome, oddly-colored tanning, and extremely heavy accessorizing was rampant, as was use of medieval weaponry, laser light shows, and the use of be-saddled green and purple tigers as a form of personal transport. You may, unfortunately, recall a "Masters of the Universe" movie from 1987 starring Dolph "I flunked the Swedish kindergarten G.E.D." Lundgren and two different chicks I thought were Courtney Cox but weren’t. This movie was my first experience with “nerd rage,” as some characters were negatively tinkered with, others were omitted completely, and still more were bogus, created just for the film. I, along with many of my contemporaries in the playing-with-action-figures-community, was filled with geek-fury, loser-lividity, dweeb-ire. I wouldn’t be that angry and crap-stricken again until my current adulthood here in modern times, when the X-Men trilogy concluded by killing Cyclops and Professor X, relegating Colossus to a bit player, bypassing Gambit, having Kitty Pryde and Juggernaut swear, never using Wolverine’s sweet mask, and like fourteen other things I can’t mention because I can already feel my blood pressure rising like nine points.**

Thundercats Marooned cat-thletes (dressed, again, in S&M gear) with nunchucks and flaming whips do battle with Mumm-Ra and his evil band of were-lizards, were-monkeys, and were-jackals. This might actually be worth seeing on the basis of Cheetara alone, who as we know, is arguably the hottest cartoon hero of all time,*** leading a friend in 3rd grade**** to confide in me that he wanted to “lick her dick.” Even at age 8, I knew that girls didn’t have penises, and I explained to him that their genitals--from what I could gather by watching his mother in the shower--were in fact small, iridescent, and squid-like, with the ability to shoot blood, bite, and operate a loom. Any actress chosen for the role of Cheetara would look hot in leopard body-paint, but an apt dark horse would be Olympic high-jumper, Amy Acuff, who appeared in Playboy and already has experience leaping at great heights. Whether or not she can adapt her skills to pole-vaulting and realistically deliver a round-house kick to the face of a shape-shifting mummy has yet to be seen. I don’t wish to speak any further about the Thundercats, except to say that all the boys in that same 3rd grade class made our own Sword of Omens by scotch-taping an open pair of safety scissors to our rulers roughly 2/3 of the way down. Then we could say, “Eye of Thundera, give me sight beyond sight!” while looking through the scissors’ finger-holes and see into the future. You guessed it: another fucking spelling test on Friday.

G.I. Joe If ever there were a movie demanding Bruce Willis to pretend he wasn’t bald, this is it. "G.I. Joe" revolved around and elite team of U.S. military specialists with the dorkiest code-names this side of Top Gun, including, but not limited to: Duke, Roadblock, Chuckles, Footloose, Snow Job, Beach Head, Cover Girl, Outback, Quick Kick, and many more. Their sole purpose was to defend the world from the malicious, often vague, plans of Cobra, a team of international terrorists whose names all sounded like porn star aliases: Cobra Commander, Big Boa, Copperhead, Monkeywrench, Major Bludd, Croc Master, the Baroness, and various types of foot soldiers whose titles all ended with the word “viper”). Any special effects supervisors working on the movie would somehow have to translate--from animation to the live-action big screen--the cartoon’s habit of showing fighter planes explode with one or more pilots ejecting at the last possible second and floating to safety on non-combustible parachutes, teaching young boys an important lesson: war is fun and nobody gets hurt.

GoBots The special-ed little brother of the Transformers, GoBots were smaller, lamer, and got the same reaction from kids when brought home as when you asked your parents for Rice Krispies and they instead give you some sinister imposter in the form of a white box with a green stripe labeled “Crisped Rice.” They were lifeless knock-offs that looked the same, but there was something amiss, like Invasion of the Body Snatchers, but without the awkward, fleeting thrill of alien worms sliding in to your body openings while you sleep. This was the type of toy you could find for sale in a grocery store in between Winnie the Pooh coloring books and jars of Spaghetti Sauce. The GoBots leader was a boring grey jet whose name no one could remember, and would probably be voiced in the movie by Ray Romano. Other actors will include such douche-nozzles as Larry the Cable Guy, Matt LeBlanc, Martin Lawrence, Steve Zahn, George Lopez, Joan Cusak, Marlee Matlin, and Jimmy Stewart.

Voltron Only rich fucks could afford to get all five lions to make the giant Asian robot with the sword. The rest of us had to settle for the crappy yellow cat whose tail would break off two days afer you got it. I hated the toys, I hated the cartoon because it was subtitled, and I hate you. If they make this a movie, I pray it starts Ben Affleck and he comes to your house and guts you with a curling iron.*****

Dungeons and Dragons Forgot they already made that in ‘01, didn’t you? Mere months before 9/11 and starring a Wayans brother. I hated myself so much for watching this movie that I found pills at Walgreens that make you lactose intolerant and then drank a half-gallon of chocolate milk. Next!

M.A.S.K. Kind of like Transformers, only with vehicles changing into other vehicles, which is a dumb fucking idea. They actually had a plane that turned into a helicopter. In what scenario would that ever be useful? When you’re so irresponsible on vacation that you don’t check to see if there’s anywhere safe to land near the hotel? When you get sick of wings that just sit there being aerodynamic and don’t do anything exciting, like spinning? When your camera-phone-computer-iPod-GPS-vibrator-bong-AK-47 isn’t complex enough to show people your status in life? A plane that transforms into a helicopter is as pointless as having a vagina that transforms into an anus, they’re the exact same thing.****** You might as well have a Barack Obama action figure that transforms into a piece of shit that you can eat and then wonder why you have a stomach-ache. Since the machines aren’t self-aware robots, they had to be driven by puny humans, the leader of whom I think had a moustache, so he could be played by either Tom Selleck, Burt Reynolds, or Penelope Cruz. When the trailer for this comes out, it will say, “From the people who brought you The Fast and the Furious 3: Tokyo Drift, and one of your friends will whisper, “I wanna see this,” and then you will stab him in the ear with a Twizzler and he will lose virtually all hearing on that side.

Silverhawks I don’t remember this at all, but I’m 50% sure it existed. They flew in outer-space by flapping shiny wings, and maybe one of them had a guitar that could shoot lighting, like on the cover of every single AC/DC album. Movie will only occur in worst-case-scenario of life.

Centurions See: Silverhawks.

At this point in the article, I know all you babes out there are like, “What about the girl cartoons from the ‘80s? Is there gonna be a Barbie movie?” Well the answer to that is there already is a Barbie movie: it’s called your real life, you materialistic shoe-fucker. Now why don’t you go purse-shopping and then blow me? JK, I’ll go buy you a purse after you blow me.*******

Rainbow Brite Lindsay Lohan in a role that will surprise you. Flanked by her pill-popping raver girlfriends (played by the sisters Duff), Rainbow Brite fights to make the world safe for vivid colors, flashing lights, and sex-flavored lip gloss. Arch-villain Murky Dismal will be portrayed by some bad CGI that occasionally morphs to reveal the hideous face of Topher Grace. This film will be “empowering” to women world-wide because it will feature actresses doing very simple karate moves and saying the word “bitch” out loud, which--if the Charlie’s Angles movies have taught us anything--is more empowering than reading or getting a job. Soundtrack by the Pussy Dolls.

My Little Pony They could film a bunch of pink horses frolicking in a meadow for ninety minutes and I’d still rather watch that than Transformers.

Bratz Although not from the 1980’s, the soon-to-be released Bratz movie (and upcoming “Gossip Girl” TV series, based on the popular pre-teen books) will be a triumph for everyone, as it will exacerbate the current trend of over-sexualizing girls at younger and younger ages, resulting in eager-to-please modern parents demanding legislation to lower the age of consent to twelve for their children. I can finally take a girl out to play air hockey without her friends mocking me.

*They had three movies to show Viggo Mortensen naked and blew it. Not that I’m into dudes, but I do enjoy whipping it out in the theater any time an actor shows full-frontal on screen to let other patrons compare my manhood to the celeb in question. (I’ve been told twice that I resemble Ewan McGregor, although I’ve heard he had a glans-lift.)

**If blood pressure is measured in points. If not, it has raised four degrees or three pounds.

***Just edging out She-Ra and Jem for 2nd and 3rd, respectively.

****Robert Simms, who stole one of my Insecticons. I’m still looking for him.

*****A sharp one.

******That’s offensive.

*******That’s offensive too.

For further reading on this subject, click here to read Book Dissertation: He-Man Smells Trouble, and here to read Who needs a date? featuring Cheetara