09/06: So You’re Thinking About a Starter Marriage? by Belacalicious
Five Things You Should Know to Make it Quick and Easy
1.) Find someone who is good looking, but not too good looking. You don’t want to second guess yourself on the “starter” question. (For those of you that are stuck in your starter marriage, see my "So You’re Stuck in Your Starter Marriage" series.)
2.) Put together a list of everything you would like to get away with in a relationship (see examples below). Don’t hold back, nothing is too wild or crazy. This is the entire point of the starter marriage.
3.) This is a science, so work your list. You didn’t just write the above list for some sort of L. Ron Hubbard psychoanalysis of yourself. You need to test, push, and exploit the boundaries of your partner.* This is how you learn what not to do in your real marriage.
4.) Take detailed notes throughout the process, point-by-point, on what you can get away with and what you clearly can’t. This is when you start your “what not to do in my real marriage” list.**
5.) After thoroughly executing your list, the starter marriage should be as good as done. Call for a meeting with your partner and present him or her with the Thank You for Being Part of My Starter Marriage certificate (these are available from me for $9.99) and divorce papers. You’re now on your way to a real marriage.
Example Starter Marriage List
--Chose an addiction such as porn, gambling, or cocaine (ideally all three)
--Don’t come home one night, and then try two consecutive nights, etc...
--Come home stinking of stripper oil
--Max out your shared credit cards at the strip club or casino
--After you max out the credit cards, steal cash directly from their purse/wallet
--Have your best man or a bridesmaid move in unexpectedly
--Insist on playing Karaoke Revolution at 2am on weeknights with drunk friends
--Sleep with your spouse’s sister/brother
--Sleep with your spouse’s mother/father
--Poop your pants***
*Belacalicious: “The Science of the Starter Marriage,” 15th International Congress of Starter Marriages, of the International Society of Starter Marriages. Luigi Paulette University of Naples, Naples, Italy, June 7-12, 2001.
**Belacalicious, What Not to do in Your Real Marriage 6th ed., (The University of Chicago Press: Chicago 1999) pp. 6
***John Kambs
1.) Find someone who is good looking, but not too good looking. You don’t want to second guess yourself on the “starter” question. (For those of you that are stuck in your starter marriage, see my "So You’re Stuck in Your Starter Marriage" series.)
2.) Put together a list of everything you would like to get away with in a relationship (see examples below). Don’t hold back, nothing is too wild or crazy. This is the entire point of the starter marriage.
3.) This is a science, so work your list. You didn’t just write the above list for some sort of L. Ron Hubbard psychoanalysis of yourself. You need to test, push, and exploit the boundaries of your partner.* This is how you learn what not to do in your real marriage.
4.) Take detailed notes throughout the process, point-by-point, on what you can get away with and what you clearly can’t. This is when you start your “what not to do in my real marriage” list.**
5.) After thoroughly executing your list, the starter marriage should be as good as done. Call for a meeting with your partner and present him or her with the Thank You for Being Part of My Starter Marriage certificate (these are available from me for $9.99) and divorce papers. You’re now on your way to a real marriage.
Example Starter Marriage List
--Chose an addiction such as porn, gambling, or cocaine (ideally all three)
--Don’t come home one night, and then try two consecutive nights, etc...
--Come home stinking of stripper oil
--Max out your shared credit cards at the strip club or casino
--After you max out the credit cards, steal cash directly from their purse/wallet
--Have your best man or a bridesmaid move in unexpectedly
--Insist on playing Karaoke Revolution at 2am on weeknights with drunk friends
--Sleep with your spouse’s sister/brother
--Sleep with your spouse’s mother/father
--Poop your pants***
*Belacalicious: “The Science of the Starter Marriage,” 15th International Congress of Starter Marriages, of the International Society of Starter Marriages. Luigi Paulette University of Naples, Naples, Italy, June 7-12, 2001.
**Belacalicious, What Not to do in Your Real Marriage 6th ed., (The University of Chicago Press: Chicago 1999) pp. 6
***John Kambs
John Kambs wrote:
Cheers