In today’s changing world of imminent recession, mass bank-tankings, and overall economic crisis, it’s hard to know where you stand financially. Are you standing tall on a hill of money, or are you knee-deep in quicksand? Maybe you’re already a cold, bloated corpse washed up on the beach and turning various shades of blue. It probably doesn’t look good, so you’re going to want to open your own company. But how? The books on the subject are all over 200 pages long, and can you really trust the managers you asked for advice at Starbucks and Ikea? Once again, PM comes through to save your ass, this time, by letting you in on our own business model, which has yet to fail in twelve motherfucking years.

1. Start a Business First of all, do you sell a product or provide a service? Maybe you've always canned your own stewed prunes as a hobby. Maybe you’ve designed tuxedoes to give as Christmas gifts. Perhaps you collect dropped change at highway tollbooths and think you have what it takes to open your own antique nickel shop. Whatever it is, you need to be able to define it (with actual words like “muffler shop” or “dairy farm”), otherwise no one will understand what it is you even do, which can cost you customers. According to PM’s economic consultant, Johnny Fearless (who has worked as a mortgage broker for no fewer than three now-defunct financial institutions), these are the top three fastest-growing new industries:

Tiddleywinks--"It’s the funnest game on the market.”

Widgets--"A thousand are being made.”

Going Green--"Not eco-friendly products, but actually making everything in your home the color green; it’s a relaxing hue and pleasing to the eye no matter what your cultural background.”

2. Make Money Arguably the most important aspect of the PM method is to actually turn a profit. However, it can be said that “it takes money to make money.” For example, a hooker has to apply Chapstick* several times a shift to prevent dry, uncomfortable kisses. No one wants a blowjob from an alligator that needs to moisturize, especially not customers. Remember that the customer is considered an important part of the money-making process. They are literally the source of your profit, so you definitely need their cash. With this all in mind, use the following (mathematical) formula to determine whether or not you are in the black or in the red: Subtract the amount you spent in a month from the amount you made. If the difference is $1 or more, congratulations, you’re on the path to franchising a global powerhouse. However, if the amount you have made is $0, you have shit the bed and should immediately file for bankruptcy.

“Bankruptcy is when you’re broke as a joke and it’s not even funny, which is bad, because we all know how jokes should be (funny),” says Fearless. What is the major liability of filing? “It’s embarrassing, because everyone knows you’re a loser, and now you can’t get any new credit cards, not even at Target.”** Is there a pro? “You get to hire an attorney.”

A great way to increase your clientele is by networking. Networking is the same as meeting people, only it’s considered much more business-like. Every company since 2005 has had at least one website. Save costs by registering your very own page on myspace.com. Simply write a few words about your company (such as your mission statement***) and “friend request” various unsigned bands and aspiring Hawaiian Tropic model contestants. These will become an integral part of your base.

Another way to get some free advertising or “write your own ticket” is to make some cold calls. Simply dial seven numbers at random on the telephone and ask whoever answers if they’re interested in your service. If they are, then proceed to close the deal. Alec Baldwin said in Glengarry Glen Ross, “Coffee’s for closers,” which means that if you don’t get the gig, you have to drink flavored tea like a housewife desperately attempting to hold onto some form of individuality. (Another good quote is in Boiler Room, when Ben Affleck says, “Anybody who ever said ‘Money doesn’t buy happiness’ never had any. Look at my smile. Ear-to-ear, baby!” Pretty much any Affleck quote is cool, I say.) If they hang up instead, wait a few minutes, then call back, this time saying, “Thank you, and FUCK YOU.” That’s called burning your bridges, which is the only way to keep another business from following you. Once in a while, you’ll want to charge someone more than you initially agreed upon—even if it’s in writing—this is called increasing your profit margins.

3. Investing/Saving The #1 rule of playing the stock market is buy low and sell high. If you purchase several shares of stock at a high cost, then sell them off at a lower price, you are not navigating the sailboat of a sound fiscal strategy on Party Beach, you are instead parasailing an irresponsible financial plan right into the side of Fuck Mountain. Asked for an insider’s tip on hot stocks, Fearless listed “Food, clothing, and shelter” as his top three. I would also add hurricanes and other natural disasters—high risk, high reward, just like trying to kill someone with a bow and arrow. As far as savings, never trust a bank. Instead hide the money in your freezer or under a mattress. If you’re the forgetful type, you can use a more conspicuous piggy bank. You will rarely, if ever, accrue interest, but at least you know you won’t take a loss (unless a hurricane hits, but you’re already getting dividends from the mutual funds you picked up, right?) Occassionally, you will fuck up everything possible in a royal fashion, and if your corporation has grown to a large enough size, you will get a bailout from the government (AIG, for example). This is what’s great about capitalism, if you’re rich enough, you can somehow convince the country that they need to give you a handout, even if you’re making record profits in some cases, in others, the CEO’s get fired, but have something called a golden parachute, which Fearless mentioned last night but I forgot to ask him to follow up on. If your business is small enough that you fully intend to not file taxes next year, you will need to hit your brother-in-law up for a smaller loan in lieu of getting forty billion from Uncle Sam.

4. Retirement After you’ve made four to five figures, it’s time to give up and get out. Sell off the business, give it to your first-born, or just stop going in one day, it’s time to enjoy your golden years. Retirement can come at any age, for example, professional athletes retire long before the usual age of 65. I personally worked for just seven years and then cashed out my own retirement fund. When that dried up I just started another business. Another brother-in-law of mine said his retirement plan will mainly consist of lifting weights and smoking pot. Says Fearless, “Now you can finally do what you wanted to do before you started your company, which is nothing.” Actually, after eight years of Bush II, it is unlikely that anyone will ever retire again, which means the only option is to open one or more companies at the same time, then alternate which one you retire from. As for social security, we stand by our analysis from several years back.

*Chapstick isn’t free, and “there’s no such thing as a free lunch,” although lip balm is edible, or at least non-toxic.

**Upon further prodding, he admitted Bed Bath and Beyond would still issue a maximum $200 line.

***A good one my friend Jerry uses is “Just livin’ the dream, man.”