Anytime I see a wide-eyed young person walking down the street sporting an "Obama '08" button, I think to myself, "They must not follow politics."

It all started during the (s)election of '04. PM writer Mikey Annihilation predicted popular new Illinois senator Barack Obama would be the next President. (Read the comments for some other insightful guesses.) As liberal as he was supposed to be, I was still skeptical as to whether or not he would actually stand up as a leader and provide any opposition to the running-rampant-with-Democrat-approval Bush second term. I immediately pointed out with little fan-fare that his first two votes in Washington proved me right (as always), and set the tone for him as another disappointment, although at this point, we all should have seen it coming. The Dems then continued their habit of getting paid to do the opposite of what they were put in office to do. Next came '06, when they took majority control of congress, led by tough-talking Nancy Pelosi. Surely, things would be different now! No, but at least I waited a few months before making fun of them on my wildly successful blog. So after eight years of letting Bush get away with murders, and providing lame-ass candidates Gore and Kerry, we're supposed to stay with them and get excited for Obama because he's different, he's special.

To begin with, I'm assuming no one who reads this site would ever vote for McCain, so making fun of him at all is redundant. Far be it from me to preach to the choir when I can instead alienate the rest of our dwindling audience.

First of all, ask yourself why you think Barack Obama is so great? You heard he's the "good guy," he's like Martin Luther King, or Abraham Lincoln, or Jesus, or Luke Skywalker, or like Neo, or Frodo, or maybe even Bono. Maybe you identify with immeasurable, abstract concepts used in lieu of a real campaign slogan, like Change, or Hope, or Magic, or Shock and Awe, or Free Appetizers.

Let's take a look at his top campaign contributors, or rather, the companies he's sold his soul to. These groups are going to be expecting--and receiving--some big favors. He's been bought and is in these guys' pockets, regardless of his inspiring oratory skills, dazzling smiles, and charming wife:

Goldman Sachs, JPMorgan Chase & Co, Citigroup Inc, Google Inc, UBS AG, Skadden, Arps et al, Lehman Brothers, National Amusements Inc, Microsoft Corp, Sidley Austin LLP, Kirkland & Ellis, Morgan Stanley, Time Warner, Wilmerhale Llp, Exelon Corp, Latham & Watkins, etc.

If you don't recognize some of those names, the people financing his run are banks (that caused the current worsening financial and housing crises), energy (oil) companies, and corporate law firms (that stop the government from regulating the first two). This means more tax breaks, bail-outs, and give-aways.

If you say you agree with his stance on the issues, that's probably because you don't know what they are. This is not your fault. The media doesn't report on any issues during election season. When they talk about Obama, it's all been lipstick, his pastor who alleged that blacks were once discriminated against, some radical terrorist guy he may have bought a cup from at a college dorm party, etc. They didn't have time to let you know that he's not the "opposite" of McCain's republican platform. That would've been too easy. No, you'd actually have to go to Obama's website or listen to him speak to find out that your own left-leaning, socially-conscious values don't quite jibe with his. When you hear that he's been the "most liberal" senator since '04, take into consideration that the Democrats have been steadily moving to the right, meaning Obama would be... in the middle. A centrist. "A step in the right direction," I've heard cautious supporters argue. No, by voting for Obama, you're participating in your continual disenfranchisement by the two-headed, one-party, corporate-run system. Obama is more of the same and part of the problem. If you vote for him, so are you.

If you look at his voting record, you'll see he has actually been a pretty big fan of a lot of George W Bush's proposals, such as renewing the Patriot Act, letting the government spy on you, and of course, the Iraq war. Obama wasn't yet a senator during the first vote in '02, but he said at the time he didn't know which way he would have voted. It's easy to predict he would have followed the lead of fellow Democratic stalwarts such as his running mate Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, John Kerry, or John Edwards, who all voted in favor of war. By the way, NO ONE IN CONGRESS ACTUALLY THOUGHT SADDAM HAD ANY WMDs. When he did get the chance to bravely oppose the war, he instead voted to keep funding it, over and over:

$67.55 billion for the Emergency Supplemental Appropriations Act
$31.6 billion for operations and maintenance
$15.46 billion for procurement of aircraft, missiles, weapons, combat vehicles, and ammunition
$10.2 billion for military personnel
$3.7 billion for the Iraq Security Forces Fund
$1.96 billion for the Joint Improvised Explosive Device Defeat Fund
$1.91 billion for the Afghanistan Security Forces Fund

Obama's current idea is basically to sort of end the occupation, but not really, and not any time soon. He would like to redeploy more troops to Afghanistan for some reason. You may remember we already kicked their ass some years ago, by blowing up dirt with million dollar, state-of-the-art, bunker-buster missiles, letting most of the terrorists get away, putting a bunch of non-terrorist "enemy combatants" in Guantanamo Bay prison for life, and letting the Taliban and their bananas back in. So I guess we can attack them every four years, like the Olympics. In one of the debates, he mocked McCain for saying he wanted to bomb Iran, but agreed he wanted to also. He then showed enthusiasm for starting wars with Russia, and possibly China, but that may have just been the recent episode of "South Park" where Cartman yells at Butters for shooting a SWAT team member in the dick.

Then there's the gay marriage situation. Here's Obama during his nomination acceptance speech: “I know there are differences on same-sex marriage, but surely we can agree that our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters deserve to visit the person they love in the hospital and to live lives free of discrimination.” That's a classic Bush move, addressing an issue while simultaneously side-stepping it completely, but he brought it up himself. Amazing. He won't be helping you out at the federal level, he favors limited and unequal recognition for same-sex couples.

Here is some more mud-slinging that I'm paraphrasing/plagiarizing from whatever my sources are:

"*Obama supports the failed and costly War on Drugs, and will continue the Andean Counterdrug Initiative, which has funded US assistance for repressive police and military forces in seven South American countries.
*Remains silent on many cases of police and court abuses.
*Remains silent on the privatization of the prison system.
*Supports the death penalty.
*Was not involved in assistance for gulf Coast residents in Katrina aftermath.
*Would allow states to restrict late-term 'partial-birth' abortions.
*Has not responded to election irregularities in '00 or '04."

I don't have time or care enough to go through every single thing, but here are some more topics that are OFF THE TABLE for an Obama presidency:

"*Adopt single payer national health insurance
*Cut the huge, bloated, wasteful military budget
*No to nuclear power, solar energy first
*Aggressive crackdown on corporate crime and corporate welfare
*Open up the Presidential debates
*Adopt a carbon pollution tax
*Reverse U.S. policy in the Middle East
*Impeach Bush/Cheney
*Repeal the Taft-Hartley anti-union law
*Adopt a Wall Street securities speculation tax
*Put an end to ballot access obstructionism
*Work to end corporate personhood
*Defend, Restore and Strengthen the Civil Justice System
*Adopt the National Initiative"

When is it time to say enough's enough and collectively look elsewhere? Do you really think things are going to be that different? What is there left to lose? If you actually want to cast a ballot for a candidate who represents your ideals and beliefs, Ralph Nader or Cynthia McKinney are great options. Chances are you know someone who keeps talking about Ron Paul. Maybe you should listen. Bob Barr the Libertarian is on the Illinois ticket as well, look the L Word up yourself on Wikipedia, I'm busy trying to replace my injured tight end in fantasy football.