28/10: Learn more about yourself by what you shove into your face...
Halloween Candy and your Personality
There has been a flurry of terrible articles recently released supposedly revealing your personality traits based on the type of candy you wolf down in a frenzy of sugar withdrawl. The flimsy correlations were obviously not researched and tested by hard-core journalistic-types making these articles nothing more than fluff--a waste of your precious time. PM’s mission statement strictly prohibits articles that are anything less than the most valuable information you’ve ever read. So we are going to amend the crap that you might have read or heard about to better fit the hard-hitting, truth-seeking lifestyle you live. If there is one article you will read this year about eating candy and the depths of your being, let this be the one.
Get your insulin out dear readers, we’re taking a trip to Candy Land.
Candy Corn
You are out of touch with reality. You are superficial to a fault. Your quest for self-definition often ends with two overturned bottles of cheap wine and an empty box of Kleenex. Your fashion sense is a combination of Old Navy catalogues and Sesame Street reruns. When you meet someone for the first time they are immediately repelled by you. They prayed they brought hand sanitizer after they touch you. You love puppies.
Tootsie Rolls
You have severe dysfunctions. It took you many years to get potty trained. Your obsession with shit probably has gotten you into the medical field or several unsavory websites. You don’t value anything worthwhile. If someone set off an H-bomb tomorrow, you’d still be hunkered down next to your laptop watching two girls eat each others’ shit. You’ve always wanted to make a quilt.
Blow Pops
You didn’t get the love you needed when you were a child. Your formative years were spent longing for a TV-perfect lifestyle that your alcoholic mom and semi-straight dad never could give you. You try to find the beauty deep inside things, but once you get to the core of everything, it’s nothing more than a tasteless disappointment. Though you enjoy the finer things in life, you often ruin them during hard alcohol blackouts. You keep your fingernails well-maintained.
Any kind of Fun Size Candy Bar
You are comfortable with the size of your genitals, but you don‘t properly use them. Maybe it was something traumatic that happened on your prom night or maybe all those years of watching your older brother’s cheap porn, but something has you convinced your moneymaker isn’t worth shaking around other people. You like to hit the streets for a good party, but you retain no information about people you meet. This is why your rich aunt didn’t leave you anything in her will. Blind people tend to love you.
Candy Apples
You are a non-conformist. It’s not that you hate all of society’s current fatal errors, it’s that you are too dumb to know even the most basic social mores. Come on, fucko, candy apples aren’t candy, they’re fucking apples with a bunch of unhealthy toppings on them. You value your health, but you’re too dumb to know the difference between saturated fats and trans fats. You coast through life without really thinking about anything and the day after you retire you’ll be sitting on the beach wondering just what the hell you did with your life. Strangers define you as fun-loving.
Nerds
You are a greedy megalomaniac. You feel the only way you could make something of your life is by crushing everyone and everything around you. Competition is not just a personality trait, it’s also your laxative. Sometimes your mom wishes she smothered you when you were an infant. You are a damn fine tennis player.
Hershey’s Kisses
You desperately live in the past. Seriously, when the fuck can you really get Kisses aside from Valentine’s Day? Any other time of year they are just stale overstock never bought because some enlightened people actually know cockroach-sized pieces of chocolate aren’t the quickest way to a lover’s zipper. You have trouble taking on big projects that involve proactive thinking, which is why you are still a cashier at the local convenience store. That stupid shirt you bought in college that you still wear during your “nights on the town” doesn’t fit you anymore, asshole. Throw it out. Your wit keeps old women smiling.
Lemonheads
You don’t know how to have fun. Whiskey benders are not for sunny days at the beach. You can’t read a book during a Motley Crue reunion concert. You hate yourself for all the wrong reasons. You set goals that are unreachable then you punish yourself with self-loathing because you’ve never considered your limitations. You take long road trips only so you could look at trash that’s gathered in the corner of rest stops. You are depressed out of your mind. You read the newspaper very fast.
In conclusion, don’t eat candy. It’s fucking up your life, your health, and the pretty smile that put your parents in debt. Eat some fucking carrots.
There has been a flurry of terrible articles recently released supposedly revealing your personality traits based on the type of candy you wolf down in a frenzy of sugar withdrawl. The flimsy correlations were obviously not researched and tested by hard-core journalistic-types making these articles nothing more than fluff--a waste of your precious time. PM’s mission statement strictly prohibits articles that are anything less than the most valuable information you’ve ever read. So we are going to amend the crap that you might have read or heard about to better fit the hard-hitting, truth-seeking lifestyle you live. If there is one article you will read this year about eating candy and the depths of your being, let this be the one.
Get your insulin out dear readers, we’re taking a trip to Candy Land.
Candy Corn
You are out of touch with reality. You are superficial to a fault. Your quest for self-definition often ends with two overturned bottles of cheap wine and an empty box of Kleenex. Your fashion sense is a combination of Old Navy catalogues and Sesame Street reruns. When you meet someone for the first time they are immediately repelled by you. They prayed they brought hand sanitizer after they touch you. You love puppies.
Tootsie Rolls
You have severe dysfunctions. It took you many years to get potty trained. Your obsession with shit probably has gotten you into the medical field or several unsavory websites. You don’t value anything worthwhile. If someone set off an H-bomb tomorrow, you’d still be hunkered down next to your laptop watching two girls eat each others’ shit. You’ve always wanted to make a quilt.
Blow Pops
You didn’t get the love you needed when you were a child. Your formative years were spent longing for a TV-perfect lifestyle that your alcoholic mom and semi-straight dad never could give you. You try to find the beauty deep inside things, but once you get to the core of everything, it’s nothing more than a tasteless disappointment. Though you enjoy the finer things in life, you often ruin them during hard alcohol blackouts. You keep your fingernails well-maintained.
Any kind of Fun Size Candy Bar
You are comfortable with the size of your genitals, but you don‘t properly use them. Maybe it was something traumatic that happened on your prom night or maybe all those years of watching your older brother’s cheap porn, but something has you convinced your moneymaker isn’t worth shaking around other people. You like to hit the streets for a good party, but you retain no information about people you meet. This is why your rich aunt didn’t leave you anything in her will. Blind people tend to love you.
Candy Apples
You are a non-conformist. It’s not that you hate all of society’s current fatal errors, it’s that you are too dumb to know even the most basic social mores. Come on, fucko, candy apples aren’t candy, they’re fucking apples with a bunch of unhealthy toppings on them. You value your health, but you’re too dumb to know the difference between saturated fats and trans fats. You coast through life without really thinking about anything and the day after you retire you’ll be sitting on the beach wondering just what the hell you did with your life. Strangers define you as fun-loving.
Nerds
You are a greedy megalomaniac. You feel the only way you could make something of your life is by crushing everyone and everything around you. Competition is not just a personality trait, it’s also your laxative. Sometimes your mom wishes she smothered you when you were an infant. You are a damn fine tennis player.
Hershey’s Kisses
You desperately live in the past. Seriously, when the fuck can you really get Kisses aside from Valentine’s Day? Any other time of year they are just stale overstock never bought because some enlightened people actually know cockroach-sized pieces of chocolate aren’t the quickest way to a lover’s zipper. You have trouble taking on big projects that involve proactive thinking, which is why you are still a cashier at the local convenience store. That stupid shirt you bought in college that you still wear during your “nights on the town” doesn’t fit you anymore, asshole. Throw it out. Your wit keeps old women smiling.
Lemonheads
You don’t know how to have fun. Whiskey benders are not for sunny days at the beach. You can’t read a book during a Motley Crue reunion concert. You hate yourself for all the wrong reasons. You set goals that are unreachable then you punish yourself with self-loathing because you’ve never considered your limitations. You take long road trips only so you could look at trash that’s gathered in the corner of rest stops. You are depressed out of your mind. You read the newspaper very fast.
In conclusion, don’t eat candy. It’s fucking up your life, your health, and the pretty smile that put your parents in debt. Eat some fucking carrots.