This Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day you gave it away. I think it may have had something to do with the fact that I paid you to hang out with me at the Square Tavern in Baraboo while other people opened presents with their families. Either way, FUCK YOU.

Anyway, here's what I want for the late, great JC's b'day:

1. Angel hair pasta made from actual hair.
2. Tater-Twister
3. Salad Shooter
4. Bullets for the salad shooter. Fuck salad.
5. Piece of pizza on Earth.
6. To watch "Going Places" on TGIF.
7. Jimmy Hoffa's testicles.
8. A bunch of body lotion/shower gel sets that require little to no actual thought or emotion on the part of the gift giver. I will never use these. Not even once. I will throw them away in front of you.
9. Every single person around me to shut the fuck up.
10. A toilet made of wood.
11. A bushel and a peck, a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck.
12. To know the meaning of things. Many things.
13. A Letter Jacket from Baraboo High School.
14. A shot at love with tequila. I've fallen in love with inanimate liquids before.
15. Totally Hair Barbie.
16. Pretty Crimp n' Curl Cabbage Patch Kid.
17. Lint roller.
18. Revenge, sweet revenge.
19. Candy, sweet candy.
20. The "Golden Girls" DVD box set.
21. New jeans.
22. A pair of British Knights shoes.
23. To go on a date with Earnhardt's ghost.
24. Earnhardt.
25. For onions to stop ruining my life.
26. For life to stop ruining my life.
27. A smallpox blanket to keep me warm.
28. Jewel savings card.
29. 200-year-old pigeon eggs.
30. Amy Grant cassette tape.