21/05: Thank You, and... Fuck You
Once again, we here at PM will be exhaustively poring over Maxim's entire list of "The Sexiest 100 Women Alive"--for at least five articles--telling you who needs to be cut, who actually belongs, and who should replace them on our new and improved roster.
The 2009 edition is a travesty, per usual. The following babes* do not belong on anything called "The definitive list of the world's most beautiful women."
Who gets to stay?
Patrick's list
Ashley's list
Kevin's list
100. Deanna Russo I don’t know who this is.
99. Melissa Rycroft I didn't know who this was, so I looked it up and was filled with regret.
98. Rebecca Mader I don’t know who this is because I was filled with regret the last time I looked one of them up.
94. Yvonne Strahovski This is the name of an expensive Violin, not a hot chick.
93. Michelle Obama The day there's a hot woman in the White House is the day William Howard Taft gets a sex change. More cushion for the pushin', right guys?
92. Joanna Krupa
Apparently, this girl was a year younger at my high school, but no one I knew did it with her. Then again, I didn't really talk to anyone in high school, so for all I know she fucked everyone. What a slut.
90. Roselyn Sanchez I didn't know who this was, so I looked it up, but then forgot.
89. Jamie Chung Apparently, this girl went to Jugle's high school but never did it with Jugle, which means she must be a stuck-up bitch, because Jugle was on the varsity track team and they went to fucking STATE.
88. Diane Kruger Starred in a movie named after Chicago's Wicker Park, but Wicker Park didn't really have anything to with Wicker Park.
87. Summer Glau I don't know what high school she went to, but the "Terminator" TV show is really bad (at least the first five minutes of the pilot were).
86. Ali Campoverdi Currently employed as an "assistant for a deputy chief of staff to the president," which means she's complicit in war crimes. Baby killer.
84. Minka Kelly She dates Derek Jeter; I don't follow baseball and even I know that's a more trustworthy indicator of VD than a burning sensation during urination followed by a discharge of greenish pus.
82. Emma Watson It's the same as child molestation even if she's 18, because she was still underage when she made all the Harry Potter movies, you pervs.
81. Heidi Montag Cut your head off, bring the rest of your body over, and we'll talk.
80. Jamie Gunns This sounds like the name of the local stripper who gets all the mid-day shifts so she can pick her kids up after school.
79. Jaime King They obviously threw her in as filler, so I don't even have to make a joke.
78. Danica Patrick Not only is she wasting precious fossil fuels by driving around in a circle for hours at a time, but to paraphrase our nation's President: "You can put lipstick on an ugly stupid bitch..."
72. Camilla Belle
She has slightly weird eyebrows, and stole one of the Jonas brothers from Taylor Swift, which is just not very sisterly.
71. Gabrielle Union Was in one of those creepy Tyler Perry "Madea" movies with the weird cross-dressing grandma that makes you think they made a film version of "In Living Color" and then you remember how there are people out there who take Jamie Foxx seriously as an actor and you just want the Earth to stop so you can get off and hitch the next rocket to Pluto where the gravity will crush you to death but at least you will die on a planet without the Wayans brothers.
70. Maria Menounos "Access Hollywood" will just always be inferior to the zeitgeist-defining "Extra."
69. Jennifer Morrison Went to Prospect High School in Illinois, I have no idea who she fucked, but I've never seen her at any Chicagoland Target locations, and that's a red flag for me.
68. Ashley Greene According to my niece, "Twilight is the stuff that won't flush."
65. Amanda Righetti Allegedly performed acting in the remake of Friday the 13th, which I didn't see because I'm not some prick asshole.
63. Milla Jovovich The Resident Evil movies are getting progressively worse, and she's progressively looking more and more like an actual zombie.
62. Heidi Klum Gets points for literally turning guests away from her annual Halloween party if they're not in costume, but she's bred with Seal which has never been considered cool (or hot).
61. Dania Ramirez Hails from the Dominican Republic, which is like my second-least favorite Central American island nation.
59. Ana Ivanovic She is a Serbian tennis champ, but I don't care for that sport. If she switches to bowling, miniature golf, or Lazer Tag, I would find her more desirable.
58. Miranda Kerr Models for Victoria's Secret, but who wants to bang a girl wearing panties? Your weiner gets chaffed.
56. Amber Heard Played Seth Rogan's girlfriend in Pineapple Express, and I'm really over Seth Rogan at this point.
55. Christina Milian Either she or Vanessa Minnillo dates Mario Lopez or Nick Lachey, and all four of them can go to hell.
52. Beyoncé I just have the feeling if she didn't tweeze twice a day, you'd have a one-way ticket to Unibrow City.
51. Sienna Miller I still don't know who this is, I'm not looking it up, and I'm 80% sure she didn't go to high school in the Chicago suburbs, but I bet if she got fingered by someone, I would've heard about it.
46. Nicole Scherzinger If she died today, she wouldn't even get a posthumous Grammy next year.
40. Lily Allen Foreigner, possible terrorist.
38. Charlize Theron Dated the singer from Third Eye Blind, who I've always considered a human bowel impaction.
37. Cameron Diaz She's going to be 37 this year. 37!
32. Ciara I used to get her confused with Rihanna, and I don't like being confused one bit.
31. Hilary Duff Took a wrong turn down Chode Road, started dating one of the queers from Good Charlotte, and now is probably considered step/half aunt-in-law of Nicole Richie's bastard child.
29. Zoe Saldana Plays Uhura in the new Star Trek, but everyone knows the only hot chicks in that world are either green, cyborg, or Khan.
28. Danneel Harris I don't like girls who add/delete letters from their first names.
26. Angelina Jolie Mrs. Pitt's genitals have seen more mileage than a woman three times her age. If you stuck her, the Octo-Mom, and Kate Minus Jon Plus 8 in a room together, whoever came out would still have a pretty loose snatch.
25. Julianne Hough Is one of the trainer people on "Dancing With the Stars," which is a show only really old people watch, and I hate the idea of 70-year-olds enjoying themselves. Bullshit.
22. Kate Beckinsale Vampires don't shoot guns, I will never forgive the Underworld series for overlooking that obvious historical fact.
21. AnnaLynne McCord This is the "bad girl" on the new "90210," and her hair is so massive and 80's that she looks either like an extra in a Warrant video, or a co-star in an underage Traci Lords porno, neither of which bode well for the status of her pubic region styling.
18. Marisa Miller This is what I don't get about Maxim's system: she was #1 last year, but something happened in the last 365 days to magically allow Britney Spears to suddenly pass her up? I smell a rat. And fish. Wait, that's me.
17. Britney Spears Maybe ten years and two babies ago.
14. Christina Aguilera Maybe ten years and one baby ago.
13. Jessica Alba Maybe ten years and three abortions ago.
10. Jennifer Love Hewitt Maybe ten years and twelve pregnancy scares ago. A ghost just whispered to me that no one watches her show.
9. Jordana Brewster Again, weird eyebrows--that's a deal-breaker, ladies!
3. Bar Refaeli This sounds like a Wrigleyville hangout I would never step foot in.
1. Olivia Wilde Way to go Maxim, you have once again given #1 status to some marginally attractive girl no one's ever heard of.
You're all cut, it's official.
Next: Who gets to stay, and why?
*Remember, this is technically not sexist because these girls have already objectified themselves.
The 2009 edition is a travesty, per usual. The following babes* do not belong on anything called "The definitive list of the world's most beautiful women."
Who gets to stay?
Patrick's list
Ashley's list
Kevin's list
100. Deanna Russo I don’t know who this is.
99. Melissa Rycroft I didn't know who this was, so I looked it up and was filled with regret.
98. Rebecca Mader I don’t know who this is because I was filled with regret the last time I looked one of them up.
94. Yvonne Strahovski This is the name of an expensive Violin, not a hot chick.
93. Michelle Obama The day there's a hot woman in the White House is the day William Howard Taft gets a sex change. More cushion for the pushin', right guys?
92. Joanna Krupa
Apparently, this girl was a year younger at my high school, but no one I knew did it with her. Then again, I didn't really talk to anyone in high school, so for all I know she fucked everyone. What a slut.
90. Roselyn Sanchez I didn't know who this was, so I looked it up, but then forgot.
89. Jamie Chung Apparently, this girl went to Jugle's high school but never did it with Jugle, which means she must be a stuck-up bitch, because Jugle was on the varsity track team and they went to fucking STATE.
88. Diane Kruger Starred in a movie named after Chicago's Wicker Park, but Wicker Park didn't really have anything to with Wicker Park.
87. Summer Glau I don't know what high school she went to, but the "Terminator" TV show is really bad (at least the first five minutes of the pilot were).
86. Ali Campoverdi Currently employed as an "assistant for a deputy chief of staff to the president," which means she's complicit in war crimes. Baby killer.
84. Minka Kelly She dates Derek Jeter; I don't follow baseball and even I know that's a more trustworthy indicator of VD than a burning sensation during urination followed by a discharge of greenish pus.
82. Emma Watson It's the same as child molestation even if she's 18, because she was still underage when she made all the Harry Potter movies, you pervs.
81. Heidi Montag Cut your head off, bring the rest of your body over, and we'll talk.
80. Jamie Gunns This sounds like the name of the local stripper who gets all the mid-day shifts so she can pick her kids up after school.
79. Jaime King They obviously threw her in as filler, so I don't even have to make a joke.
78. Danica Patrick Not only is she wasting precious fossil fuels by driving around in a circle for hours at a time, but to paraphrase our nation's President: "You can put lipstick on an ugly stupid bitch..."
72. Camilla Belle
She has slightly weird eyebrows, and stole one of the Jonas brothers from Taylor Swift, which is just not very sisterly.
71. Gabrielle Union Was in one of those creepy Tyler Perry "Madea" movies with the weird cross-dressing grandma that makes you think they made a film version of "In Living Color" and then you remember how there are people out there who take Jamie Foxx seriously as an actor and you just want the Earth to stop so you can get off and hitch the next rocket to Pluto where the gravity will crush you to death but at least you will die on a planet without the Wayans brothers.
70. Maria Menounos "Access Hollywood" will just always be inferior to the zeitgeist-defining "Extra."
69. Jennifer Morrison Went to Prospect High School in Illinois, I have no idea who she fucked, but I've never seen her at any Chicagoland Target locations, and that's a red flag for me.
68. Ashley Greene According to my niece, "Twilight is the stuff that won't flush."
65. Amanda Righetti Allegedly performed acting in the remake of Friday the 13th, which I didn't see because I'm not some prick asshole.
63. Milla Jovovich The Resident Evil movies are getting progressively worse, and she's progressively looking more and more like an actual zombie.
62. Heidi Klum Gets points for literally turning guests away from her annual Halloween party if they're not in costume, but she's bred with Seal which has never been considered cool (or hot).
61. Dania Ramirez Hails from the Dominican Republic, which is like my second-least favorite Central American island nation.
59. Ana Ivanovic She is a Serbian tennis champ, but I don't care for that sport. If she switches to bowling, miniature golf, or Lazer Tag, I would find her more desirable.
58. Miranda Kerr Models for Victoria's Secret, but who wants to bang a girl wearing panties? Your weiner gets chaffed.
56. Amber Heard Played Seth Rogan's girlfriend in Pineapple Express, and I'm really over Seth Rogan at this point.
55. Christina Milian Either she or Vanessa Minnillo dates Mario Lopez or Nick Lachey, and all four of them can go to hell.
52. Beyoncé I just have the feeling if she didn't tweeze twice a day, you'd have a one-way ticket to Unibrow City.
51. Sienna Miller I still don't know who this is, I'm not looking it up, and I'm 80% sure she didn't go to high school in the Chicago suburbs, but I bet if she got fingered by someone, I would've heard about it.
46. Nicole Scherzinger If she died today, she wouldn't even get a posthumous Grammy next year.
40. Lily Allen Foreigner, possible terrorist.
38. Charlize Theron Dated the singer from Third Eye Blind, who I've always considered a human bowel impaction.
37. Cameron Diaz She's going to be 37 this year. 37!
32. Ciara I used to get her confused with Rihanna, and I don't like being confused one bit.
31. Hilary Duff Took a wrong turn down Chode Road, started dating one of the queers from Good Charlotte, and now is probably considered step/half aunt-in-law of Nicole Richie's bastard child.
29. Zoe Saldana Plays Uhura in the new Star Trek, but everyone knows the only hot chicks in that world are either green, cyborg, or Khan.
28. Danneel Harris I don't like girls who add/delete letters from their first names.
26. Angelina Jolie Mrs. Pitt's genitals have seen more mileage than a woman three times her age. If you stuck her, the Octo-Mom, and Kate Minus Jon Plus 8 in a room together, whoever came out would still have a pretty loose snatch.
25. Julianne Hough Is one of the trainer people on "Dancing With the Stars," which is a show only really old people watch, and I hate the idea of 70-year-olds enjoying themselves. Bullshit.
22. Kate Beckinsale Vampires don't shoot guns, I will never forgive the Underworld series for overlooking that obvious historical fact.
21. AnnaLynne McCord This is the "bad girl" on the new "90210," and her hair is so massive and 80's that she looks either like an extra in a Warrant video, or a co-star in an underage Traci Lords porno, neither of which bode well for the status of her pubic region styling.
18. Marisa Miller This is what I don't get about Maxim's system: she was #1 last year, but something happened in the last 365 days to magically allow Britney Spears to suddenly pass her up? I smell a rat. And fish. Wait, that's me.
17. Britney Spears Maybe ten years and two babies ago.
14. Christina Aguilera Maybe ten years and one baby ago.
13. Jessica Alba Maybe ten years and three abortions ago.
10. Jennifer Love Hewitt Maybe ten years and twelve pregnancy scares ago. A ghost just whispered to me that no one watches her show.
9. Jordana Brewster Again, weird eyebrows--that's a deal-breaker, ladies!
3. Bar Refaeli This sounds like a Wrigleyville hangout I would never step foot in.
1. Olivia Wilde Way to go Maxim, you have once again given #1 status to some marginally attractive girl no one's ever heard of.
You're all cut, it's official.
Next: Who gets to stay, and why?
*Remember, this is technically not sexist because these girls have already objectified themselves.