24/05: You Can Stay
The following young ladies were left over when we ran the Maxim "Hot 100" through the PM Hardcore Journalism Filter, and I will now attempt to justify keeping them:
Who got cut?
Patrick's list
Ashley's list
Kevin's list
96. Olivia Munn She does something on the video game network my friend Jerry watches and I've played Pac-Man at his house.
97. Marisa Tomei Took one for the team by appearing fully nude for the entire four hours of The Wrestler, which I watched a grainy, pirated print of online, so I couldn't really tell if she still has a nice body, but I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt because I doubt it would benefit me either way.
95. Padma Lakshmi
I was kind of pissed Maxim noticed this "Top Chef" judgette because I originally had her on my own list. You have to like a girl who's not afraid to let everyone see a gnarly, disgusting scar on their arm as she gets pissed off about pasta sauces. And for all I know, she got it in a switchblade fight with another hot chick who's snobby about food, like Rachel Ray, the Swiss Miss, or the girl from Wendy's.
91. Chelsea Handler My current life's ambition is to appear on her show's panel, and before that I didn't even have a goal, so you could say that she is teaching America how to dream again.
85. Michelle Trachtenberg I saw her in something once.
83. Whitney Port Rocked the entertainment world to its core by proving a show could be worse than "The Hills." To do that on her own with "The City" took guts, perseverance, raw talent, and some really patient cameramen.
77. Stacy Keibler I'm pretty sure the former wrestling diva/dancer with the stars is unemployed right now (or should be) but she still gives me a boner, which is what matters in life.
76. Cameron Richardson
This little hooch is on a really bad CBS multiple murder mystery mini-series called "Harper's Island," which I don't know why I watch. Anything I don't understand, I'm attracted to, which explains why I'm often found groping Calculus textbooks.
75. Tricia Helfer I have relatives somewhere who like "Battlestar Galactica."
74. Amanda Bynes She just seems really genuine. Also, by sheer chance, I have never seen any of her movies, which I'm sure helps.
73. Ashley Tisdale Statistical law of romance states that a girl with a nose job is always easier to boss around, regardless of how much they insist it was to correct a sinus condition.
67. Emmy Rossum Was in a movie with Kurt Russell; if you date her, your chances of someday meeting him increase by a large margin.
66. Emma Stone Appeared in the movies Superbad and The House Bunny, both of which are considered by many to be "watchable," which is high praise in today's cultural Dust-Buster of a society.
64. Diora Baird Has big tits.
60. Carrie Underwood Sings songs about good old-fashioned wholesome family-friendly country things, which increases the velocity of my ejaculate.
57. Audrina Patridge Regardless of the fact that she always seems to be trying to stare at her own forehead, she looks like she could really carry a child to term.
54. Rachel Bilson Has probably been in something at some point.
53. Kim Kardashian Paris Wiltin' has been quoted describing Kim's posterior as "a garbage bag filled with cottage cheese." Well guess what? Cottage cheese is high in protein and calcium, low in fat, and tastes delicious. That being said, Kim is a stupid bitch and her whole family should explode. Also, Reggie Bush is a liability on your fantasy football team, and should not be drafted until you already have two solid running backs.
50. Taylor Swift It probably wouldn't even take an entire 6-pack of wine coolers to get her seriously considering a three-way with Miley Cyrus.
49. Freida Pinto Slumdog Millionaire was basically like watching a gameshow interspersed with a love story, but at least you got to see a child get drugged and acid poured in his eyes. I haven't seen that since the last time I was at Toys 'R Us.
48. Arielle Kebbel Is entertaining just for her complete inability to pick scripts that don't turn out to be embarrassing for everyone involved. See: American Pie 4: Band Camp, Soul Plane, The Grudge 2, Aquamarine, Red Mist (a group of med students get wasted and accidentally kill a janitor, then revive him with some experimental treatment which leaves him in a coma but able to telepathically control people who he can use to murder Arielle and her friends), and of course, John Tucker Must Die.
47. Katie Cassidy Also stars in "Harper's Island," and I'm predicting CBS will make a ground-breaking move by actually killing her in real life during the season finale.
45. Fergie "Big Girls Don't Cry" is just a great song.
44. Avril Lavigne
43. Elisha Cuthbert Still gets points for showing 1/3 of her left boob in Kevin Dillon's cabin during "24" season 2.
42. Nikki Reed I don't know what she's done of note in years, but she may as well be on a list if people are still making them.
41. Nadine Velazquez Blurted out, "I want... a baby," while hosting the Miss America Pageant live. Desperation is more attractive than a fancy evening gown any day of the week.
39. Anna Faris She probably likes to hang out, a lot of girls aren't into that.
36. Hayden Panettiere If she doesn't deserve a good spanking then no one does.
35. Anna Kournikova It would be awesome if she actually did something with her life, but if not, she'll still be hot for years to come, unless Enrique Iglesias's mole somehow infects/attacks her face.
34. Scarlett Johansson Married Deadpool.
33. Blake Lively Still have never seen "Gossip Girl," but everything on the CW is hot if you think about it.
30. Penélope Cruz Kind of resembles a sewer rat, but a sexy sewer rat.
27. Vanessa Hudgens Anyone who's dated Zac Effron has GOT to be something special.
24. Eva Mendes I don't think she's done anything since Ghost Rider, but it's hard to follow up something that mediocre.
23. Lindsay Lohan Becoming a lesbian at random helped her standing, but she's gonna have to work hard to stay on the list next year. To continue being shocking, she's either going to have to join the army or slip into a drug-induced coma for at least a month.
20. Moon Bloodgood Makes the cut on the basis that her name sounds like she could play drums for the Misfits or be a Powerpuff Girls villain or something.
19. Chan Marshall
How Cat Power showed up on Maxim's list is a mystery, but she is definitely a babe. I had You Are Free but I scratched the CD up pretty bad when it got stuck in my stereo and I tried to get it out with a steak knife. Someone just wrote a book about her and apparently she does ads for Chanel now, so you know she at least uses expensive perfume to cover up any odor accrued from sitting on dirty piano benches.
16. Gina Carano Girls fighting in real life is kind of trashy, but when it's sanctioned by state sporting associations and there's a referee, it can be quite becoming, especially since Gina usually breaks the contract by outweighing her opponents by like 20 lbs. and they let the fight go anyway.
15. Katy Perry A good reminder that hormones can outweigh brain power and you're still just an idiot caveman after all.
12. Leighton Meester I recently witnessed her stunning back-to-back performances in The Haunting of Sorority Row (AKA: Deadly Pledge) and Drive-Thru (in which she plays an teen emo frontwoman on the run from a killer fast-food clown). Unfortunately, I can't find Hangman's Curse anywhere, and I'm Gonna Kill You isn't out yet, but those are something to look forward to.
11. Jessica Biel Deserves respect for the likelihood that "7th Heaven" will someday reach the revered status of "Full House" by all Americans.
8. Rihanna Innovator of Black-Eye Chic. Think of all the money you could save on make-up if you got a boyfriend who punches you in the face--no more need for red lipstick, blush, eye-shadow--it's all brilliantly mimicked by your body's natural bruising/bleeding mechanisms.
7. Adriana Lima There's a sex tape on the Internet that claims to be her, but even if it's not, someone was having sex, and that's just great.
6. Eliza Dushku I leave her on the list out of guilt because all of her shows look cool but get canceled, and I feel partially to blame because I never watch them since I'm usually on my way to, at, or on my way back from 7-11.
5. Mila Kunis Does the voice for Meg Griffin.
4. Malin Akerman Played Silk Spectre II in Watchmen, and any girl in a superhero movie is automatically aces in my book. Except for Halle Berry, Katie Holmes, Liv Tyler, Jessica Alba, Gwyneth Paltrow, Kate Bosworth, Maggie Gyllenhaal, and uh... Kirstin Dunst was alright.
2. Megan Fox Recently broke up with "90210"'s Brian Austin Green, so now maybe she can find a real man like Grant Show from "Melrose Place," Jamie Walters from "The Heights," or Cody from "Step By Step."
Next: Replacing the babes that got cut with a more worthy selection of overlooked dynamos
Who got cut?
Patrick's list
Ashley's list
Kevin's list
96. Olivia Munn She does something on the video game network my friend Jerry watches and I've played Pac-Man at his house.
97. Marisa Tomei Took one for the team by appearing fully nude for the entire four hours of The Wrestler, which I watched a grainy, pirated print of online, so I couldn't really tell if she still has a nice body, but I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt because I doubt it would benefit me either way.
95. Padma Lakshmi
I was kind of pissed Maxim noticed this "Top Chef" judgette because I originally had her on my own list. You have to like a girl who's not afraid to let everyone see a gnarly, disgusting scar on their arm as she gets pissed off about pasta sauces. And for all I know, she got it in a switchblade fight with another hot chick who's snobby about food, like Rachel Ray, the Swiss Miss, or the girl from Wendy's.
91. Chelsea Handler My current life's ambition is to appear on her show's panel, and before that I didn't even have a goal, so you could say that she is teaching America how to dream again.
85. Michelle Trachtenberg I saw her in something once.
83. Whitney Port Rocked the entertainment world to its core by proving a show could be worse than "The Hills." To do that on her own with "The City" took guts, perseverance, raw talent, and some really patient cameramen.
77. Stacy Keibler I'm pretty sure the former wrestling diva/dancer with the stars is unemployed right now (or should be) but she still gives me a boner, which is what matters in life.
76. Cameron Richardson
This little hooch is on a really bad CBS multiple murder mystery mini-series called "Harper's Island," which I don't know why I watch. Anything I don't understand, I'm attracted to, which explains why I'm often found groping Calculus textbooks.
75. Tricia Helfer I have relatives somewhere who like "Battlestar Galactica."
74. Amanda Bynes She just seems really genuine. Also, by sheer chance, I have never seen any of her movies, which I'm sure helps.
73. Ashley Tisdale Statistical law of romance states that a girl with a nose job is always easier to boss around, regardless of how much they insist it was to correct a sinus condition.
67. Emmy Rossum Was in a movie with Kurt Russell; if you date her, your chances of someday meeting him increase by a large margin.
66. Emma Stone Appeared in the movies Superbad and The House Bunny, both of which are considered by many to be "watchable," which is high praise in today's cultural Dust-Buster of a society.
64. Diora Baird Has big tits.
60. Carrie Underwood Sings songs about good old-fashioned wholesome family-friendly country things, which increases the velocity of my ejaculate.
57. Audrina Patridge Regardless of the fact that she always seems to be trying to stare at her own forehead, she looks like she could really carry a child to term.
54. Rachel Bilson Has probably been in something at some point.
53. Kim Kardashian Paris Wiltin' has been quoted describing Kim's posterior as "a garbage bag filled with cottage cheese." Well guess what? Cottage cheese is high in protein and calcium, low in fat, and tastes delicious. That being said, Kim is a stupid bitch and her whole family should explode. Also, Reggie Bush is a liability on your fantasy football team, and should not be drafted until you already have two solid running backs.
50. Taylor Swift It probably wouldn't even take an entire 6-pack of wine coolers to get her seriously considering a three-way with Miley Cyrus.
49. Freida Pinto Slumdog Millionaire was basically like watching a gameshow interspersed with a love story, but at least you got to see a child get drugged and acid poured in his eyes. I haven't seen that since the last time I was at Toys 'R Us.
48. Arielle Kebbel Is entertaining just for her complete inability to pick scripts that don't turn out to be embarrassing for everyone involved. See: American Pie 4: Band Camp, Soul Plane, The Grudge 2, Aquamarine, Red Mist (a group of med students get wasted and accidentally kill a janitor, then revive him with some experimental treatment which leaves him in a coma but able to telepathically control people who he can use to murder Arielle and her friends), and of course, John Tucker Must Die.
47. Katie Cassidy Also stars in "Harper's Island," and I'm predicting CBS will make a ground-breaking move by actually killing her in real life during the season finale.
45. Fergie "Big Girls Don't Cry" is just a great song.
44. Avril Lavigne
43. Elisha Cuthbert Still gets points for showing 1/3 of her left boob in Kevin Dillon's cabin during "24" season 2.
42. Nikki Reed I don't know what she's done of note in years, but she may as well be on a list if people are still making them.
41. Nadine Velazquez Blurted out, "I want... a baby," while hosting the Miss America Pageant live. Desperation is more attractive than a fancy evening gown any day of the week.
39. Anna Faris She probably likes to hang out, a lot of girls aren't into that.
36. Hayden Panettiere If she doesn't deserve a good spanking then no one does.
35. Anna Kournikova It would be awesome if she actually did something with her life, but if not, she'll still be hot for years to come, unless Enrique Iglesias's mole somehow infects/attacks her face.
34. Scarlett Johansson Married Deadpool.
33. Blake Lively Still have never seen "Gossip Girl," but everything on the CW is hot if you think about it.
30. Penélope Cruz Kind of resembles a sewer rat, but a sexy sewer rat.
27. Vanessa Hudgens Anyone who's dated Zac Effron has GOT to be something special.
24. Eva Mendes I don't think she's done anything since Ghost Rider, but it's hard to follow up something that mediocre.
23. Lindsay Lohan Becoming a lesbian at random helped her standing, but she's gonna have to work hard to stay on the list next year. To continue being shocking, she's either going to have to join the army or slip into a drug-induced coma for at least a month.
20. Moon Bloodgood Makes the cut on the basis that her name sounds like she could play drums for the Misfits or be a Powerpuff Girls villain or something.
19. Chan Marshall
How Cat Power showed up on Maxim's list is a mystery, but she is definitely a babe. I had You Are Free but I scratched the CD up pretty bad when it got stuck in my stereo and I tried to get it out with a steak knife. Someone just wrote a book about her and apparently she does ads for Chanel now, so you know she at least uses expensive perfume to cover up any odor accrued from sitting on dirty piano benches.
16. Gina Carano Girls fighting in real life is kind of trashy, but when it's sanctioned by state sporting associations and there's a referee, it can be quite becoming, especially since Gina usually breaks the contract by outweighing her opponents by like 20 lbs. and they let the fight go anyway.
15. Katy Perry A good reminder that hormones can outweigh brain power and you're still just an idiot caveman after all.
12. Leighton Meester I recently witnessed her stunning back-to-back performances in The Haunting of Sorority Row (AKA: Deadly Pledge) and Drive-Thru (in which she plays an teen emo frontwoman on the run from a killer fast-food clown). Unfortunately, I can't find Hangman's Curse anywhere, and I'm Gonna Kill You isn't out yet, but those are something to look forward to.
11. Jessica Biel Deserves respect for the likelihood that "7th Heaven" will someday reach the revered status of "Full House" by all Americans.
8. Rihanna Innovator of Black-Eye Chic. Think of all the money you could save on make-up if you got a boyfriend who punches you in the face--no more need for red lipstick, blush, eye-shadow--it's all brilliantly mimicked by your body's natural bruising/bleeding mechanisms.
7. Adriana Lima There's a sex tape on the Internet that claims to be her, but even if it's not, someone was having sex, and that's just great.
6. Eliza Dushku I leave her on the list out of guilt because all of her shows look cool but get canceled, and I feel partially to blame because I never watch them since I'm usually on my way to, at, or on my way back from 7-11.
5. Mila Kunis Does the voice for Meg Griffin.
4. Malin Akerman Played Silk Spectre II in Watchmen, and any girl in a superhero movie is automatically aces in my book. Except for Halle Berry, Katie Holmes, Liv Tyler, Jessica Alba, Gwyneth Paltrow, Kate Bosworth, Maggie Gyllenhaal, and uh... Kirstin Dunst was alright.
2. Megan Fox Recently broke up with "90210"'s Brian Austin Green, so now maybe she can find a real man like Grant Show from "Melrose Place," Jamie Walters from "The Heights," or Cody from "Step By Step."
Next: Replacing the babes that got cut with a more worthy selection of overlooked dynamos