According to a new article in the noted Internet rumor site, WebMD, there are many factors that play into stalling problems in one's sex engine. Of course, their reasons and solutions are much too simple for such a complex problem, so the hardcore journalism filter must be activated.

Too Little Sleep
"Maybe you're getting up too early or getting to bed too late. Too little sleep creates fatigue."

If you're going to attempt just three short chapters of the Kama Sutra in one night, you need at least 15 hours of full-on, deep REM-cycles ahead of time. Most dudes don't have to be reminded that the best time for sleep is immediately following orgasm. Some studs have even been known to pass out mid-ejaculation. This allows the man time to replenish his fluids in a deep rest, giving his girlfriend an opportunity to call/text her friends about what a selfish lover he is, and how she's not even sorry she blew that temp with the peg-leg at the office.

Parenting
"...it can be hard to find time to be intimate when the kids are under foot. Hire a baby-sitter for some time to nurture your relationship. New baby in the home? Try scheduling sex during the baby's nap time."

It's tough to get romantic if there's a child sleeping in between you and your partner, especially if that child is twelve and still wetting the bed. And if you adopt a child, you will probably end up more attracted to them than your spouse, but that's a different article, now isn't it? I don't know if a baby-sitter is the answer either, studies have shown that baby-sitters are--on average-- 47% hotter than the typical wife (or even mistress) which can create more stressors, like arguments about why said wife refuses to get braces or try to fit into her cheerleader uniform from junior high. As for sex during the infant's nap? Babies will wake up crying if a cockroach burps, so trying to suppress any romantic noises in bed will be futile, not to mention ruining the experience for those who enjoy groaning, screaming, or freestyle rapping during inspirational love-making sessions.

Body Image/Obesity
"It's hard to feel sexy if your self-esteem suffers from poor body image. Being overweight is linked to a lack of sexual enjoyment, desire, and difficulties with sexual performance..."

The simple solution is to sign up for the PM 12-week self-esteem camp.

Low Testosterone
"As men age, their levels may decline slightly. Not all men lose the desire for sex when their testosterone levels drop -- but many do."

Obviously, you should start shooting up 'roids into your ass. It's easy to locate a good dealer, just stand in the middle of the locker room at Bally's and cry while looking shamefully at your tiny biceps, they will come to you. Soon enough, babes or dudes will be enjoying your increased libido, as well as your well-defined pecs, quads, and your new, aggressive psychosis. Be warned though, some people like heavily muscled physiques and some people like getting punched in the face, but the two groups don't always overlap.

Menopause
"...women report reduced sex drive around the time of menopause... symptoms such as vaginal dryness and pain during sex, may make sex less comfortable. An aging woman... should also consider... medications she is taking, and her physical health."

Let's face it, if you're fresh out of eligible egg cells, it's time to stop fucking and move on to more age-appropriate activities like knitting blankets no one will ever use, bitching at your kids on how to raise your grandkids, and taking a cereal box's worth of pills every day that won't stave off the inevitable--you're about to die and no amount of lovemaking can stop it, especially if your boyfriend can't get a boner. However, if your only gynie-gate is dryness, that's no excuse--there are plenty of quality flavored lubricants on the market suitable for silver-haired vixens, including ForPlay Succulent Raspberry Sorbet, ID Juicy Lube Big Banana, and Good Head Bubble Gum.

Click here for part 2