Click here for part 1

Alcohol
"Alcohol famously makes you feel less inhibited about sex. But it can also numb your sex drive... can be a turn-off for your partner... this goes for recreational drugs, too."

Not all sex is had by sober, English-speaking, beautiful people in loving, committed relationships in a clean, warm bed. A lot of quality fucking is practiced by marginally attractive, barely coherent people who haven't showered all day, are in a pretty bad mood, and takes place in the restroom of a used car dealership. What I'm saying is that it's not always perfect, sometimes impossible without booze, and in fact is most enjoyable when things go horribly wrong, weather conditions are poor, and people are shooting at you. Near-fatal blood-alcohol levels help girls forget about their uneven tan-lines and the mole above their left nipple, and let the guy stop worrying about his unsightly, incurable uni-brow and whether or not this girl is related to him. Therefore, chugging a bottle of Electric Melon MD 20/20 and getting busy in the Toys 'R Us parking lot at 3AM can help create better memories than brushing your teeth after sipping Perrier and misting the sheets with bleach-water before sharing your body with someone whose full name and recent blood-work you know for certain. Plus, let's be honest, plenty of decent, hard-working Americans cannot trick anyone into hanging out with them overnight unless that person's eyes are glazed over, their romantic standards are lubricated, and they can't find their keys or operate their hand-held GPS well enough to navigate the walk home. As for recreational drugs, it's common knowledge that a tiny bag of coke is more than a substitute for a job, teeth, or literacy. You're in.

Too Little Intimacy
"Intimacy isn't just a code word for sex. ...try spending more non-sexual intimate time together – alone. Talk, snuggle, trade massages. Learn to express affection without having to have sex."

Experiencing true closeness and genuine affection towards your partner can amplify your pleasure, but there is such a thing as too much intimacy. One man I interviewed said that once, a girl he met at space camp peppered his bare chest with kisses as she told him the heartwarming story of the time she pushed her twin sister down the stairs at her grandmother's house when they were five, leaving her in a wheelchair for life. She giggled as she told him this, which is the only reason he was able to keep wood. A personal case of too much information came to me from a med school student as we vigorously executed the "exploding butterfly" position. She breathlessly revealed that in the previous semester's human anatomy lab course--during the cadaver dissection--she had sliced a piece of the corpse's heart off with a scalpel, snuck it home, and after some deliberation, eaten it raw. There are also intimate revelations that don't even require words to be spoken. How many times have you lain in bed, savoring the afterglow with a new love, only to have your wandering hand come to rest on the opposite set of genitals than you were originally led to believe they had?

Erectile Dysfunction
"...a different kind of sexual disorder than loss of libido... men with ED worry about how they will be able to perform sexually. And that worry can drain their sex drive."

If you're a guy with an abnormally soft penis, all you have to do is find a woman with abnormally hard vagina, problem solved.

Depression
"...antidepressants can lower your sex drive -- and so does depression."

Don't let your constant, overwhelming sense of despair and hopelessness impede you from getting your rocks off. All you need to do is alter the mood from one of sadness to one of joviality. When your mournful foreplay has transitioned to impending melancholy penetration, put on a comedy album, such as "Bill Cosby, Himself" or "Fits Like a Glove" by Howie Mandel. Still too down in the dumps for even a blow job? Flip the TV on to Nick at Nite, maybe you can catch the second half of a "Happy Days" or "M*A*S*H" episode. If these don't lighten the mood and get you horny as well, maybe you should look into dating a clown or someone who takes improv at Second City or something.

Medication
"Drugs commonly linked to libido loss include..."

Antidepressants: Like I said, ask out someone who can make balloon animals and juggle.
Blood pressure medications: Lower your dosage. The worst that can happen is a heart attack, which would likely happen during the very sex act you're making the sacrifice for, and that's a pretty boss way to go out if you ask me.
Antihistamines: It's a cold, not cancer. You can go without your Benadryl for one night, Sneezy.
Oral contraceptives: Why are you chewing on that condom? Spit it out and start licking something.
Chemotherapy: I just made a joke about cancer, which already puts me over the limit.
Finasteride: Used to combat baldness, this drug can be replaced with a toupee or something called self-confidence.
Synthetic progesterone-medroxyprogesterone: Found in Provera and used for irregular menstrual periods or abnormal uterine bleeding. First of all, there is no such thing as a "regular" period or "normal" uterine bleeding, but don't let that spoil your Friday night (or Wednesday morning, slut). Your tampon allowance may increase, as will random "spotting," but put a positive spin on this by thinking of it as a surprise party that no one was invited to except your new white skirt. And if your man has a problem with guerrilla attacks from the invisible ketchup bottle during cunnilingus, tell him it's a small price to pay for banging such a free-wheeling, devil-may-care modern woman.

Relationship Problems
"Unresolved relationship problems... Simmering arguments, poor communication, betrayal of trust, and other barriers to intimacy..."

Relationships usually are the problem. Remember how great it was at the beginning of the affair, when your situation was vaguely-defined, or took place while the person you were actually married to at the time was at work or in a coma? It's time to break up, so the excitement comes back. Now you can revel in the arguments that lead to angry, wet thrusting, and look forward to screaming matches that underscore the fact that you two have it all. Any agreement to exclusivity or commitment can only result in the girl drying up like a jellyfish in a tanning bed and the guy hiding on the roof in the dead of winter trying to get a boner while looking at porn websites.